the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Weekly, January 20, 2004back to archive
Our terrible onslaught of blarghage continues:

- OH THE HUMANITY: Corrections To Meaty Beany Big and Bouncy
- Playoff Results: 1/14 - 1/18
- Continuing Playoff Quarterfinals Schedule: 1/20 - 1/25
- Not Dead Yet: 2003-04 Gas Face Awards
- Hey Go Stick It Beaño: Letters To The Apocalypse

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Blame Bounces Around Newsroom

The Intestinal Apocalypse Weekly’s usually crack staff of editors had apparently been smoking crack on the eve of the newsletter's biggest moment to date: the unveiling of the 2003 SF Burrito Tour's complete ratings. This magnum opus, Meaty Beany Big and Bouncy, was a year in the works and a thorn in the editing ass. Nevertheless, quality is job two* here at AcmeCorps, and we apologize for any confusion these botches have caused. Rest assured that all involved have been unceremoniously sacked, by Mark Gastineau.

(* Job one: eating burritos.)

The corrections:

--> 3.5 mustaches <-- (not 4 mustaches)

--> 3.5 mustaches <-- (not 4.5 mustaches)

--> 4.5 mustaches <-- (not 3 mustaches, no way)

Again, our sincerest apologies. Everything else was perfect.

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Bjorn Borg, John McEnroe Each Pull No-Shows

It was a charged atmosphere last week as the long-hyped playoffs got underway on Wed. the 14th. A visit to comin-up-lame Taqueria Fiesta Taco in the Tenderloin immediately followed the playoff's opening ceremonies, during which an industrial-sized tin of steaming lard was dumped upon the heads of The Committee by owners of San Francisco's sole one-mustache burrito, La Placita Mexicatessen out Portola way. Everyone had a rich laugh. Stunning visits to Duboce Triangle's Taqueria El Castillito and Papalote Mexican Grill in the Mission followed later in the week.

IMPORTANT NOTE FOR THOSE SCORING AT HOME: A total of 14 elements are examined during our time with a burrito. The first 13 elements are rated on a 0-5 mustache scale, while a maximum of two bonus mustaches are allowed for intangibility. A burrito's Overall Mustache Rating is determined by dividing the total number of mustaches awarded (variable) by the number of burrito elements (a constant 13). The four highest OMRs from the eight-taqueria quarterfinals advance to the playoffs' semifinal round, tentatively scheduled for Feb. 3 - 19.

Last week's results:

** FIESTA TACO, TAQ. ** (seed: 5 odds to win title: 4-1)
Overall Mustache Rating --> 3.31
Ratings By Category --> size: 4.5 tortilla: 3 steak: 4 rice: 3 beans: 4 cheese: 3.5 sour cream: 2 vegetables: 3.5 sauciness: 4 spiciness: 2 ingredient mix: 2 temperature: 2.5 burstage abatement: 5 (intangibles: 0)
Golden Gate btwn. Leavenworth/Hyde (Civic Center / Tenderloin) 1/14/04
$4.99 - fiesta carne asada
Comments: Playoff jitters all around, as The Committee awkwardly placed its order -- "super carne asada burrito, with carne asada" – while the Taqueria Fiesta Taco staff failed to steamerize the burrito post-assemblage; results were decidedly mixed, thus cementing this Tenderloin eatery as the Atlanta Braves of the 2003-04 SF Burrito Playoffs – that is, a regular season powerhouse who annually crumbles under the harsh glare of postseason strain; principal
problems included heavy sour cream usage, an overall lack of spice, a flat-out lousy ingredient mix, and as a result of this last oversight, several less-than-hot bites; steak was tasty, it boasted ideal construction, and their guacamole's worth going out of your way for, but late shades of brilliance were far too little too late; a colossal disappointment with virtually zero
chance of advancing; boo.

** CASTILLITO, TAQ. EL ** (seed: 3 odds to win title: 3-2)
Overall Mustache Rating --> 4.39
Ratings By Category --> size: 4.5 tortilla: 4 steak: 4.5 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 5 sour cream: 4 vegetables: 4.5 sauciness: 4.5 spiciness: 4.5 ingredient mix: 3.5 temperature: 4.5 burstage abatement: 5 (intangibles: 0.5)
Church btwn. Duboce/14th St. (Duboce Triangle) 1/16/04
$5.49 - super carne asada
Comments: Tournament heavyweight didn't disappoint on this quarterfinal visit, with the only ratings laggard being its 3.5-'stache ingredient mix; the wise placement of three slices of cheese on the already-grilling tortilla started things off on the right foot, creating a delicious layer of adhesion on the wrap-device's interior; notably tasty steak was well-chopped and craftily marinated – a true focal point, as it should be; un-shy about sauce and spice, El Castillito's burrito always sports hefty chunks of sliced avocado and chopped onion, and here's proof that a minor helping of shredded lettuce doesn't have to ruin everything in sight; brown-ish rice and refried beans provided the support they should, and the crew behind the counter deserves a weekly bonus for yeoman construction work; easily a playoff-worthy effort, unlike the limp offering heaved forth by Taqueria Fiesta Taco two nights prior.

** PAPALOTE MEXICAN GRILL ** (seed: 7 odds to win title: 8-1)
Overall Mustache Rating --> 4.35
Ratings By Category --> size: 2.5 tortilla: 4 steak: 5 rice: 4.5 beans: 4 cheese: 4 sour cream: 4 vegetables: 4.5 sauciness: 5 spiciness: 3.5 ingredient mix: 5 temperature: 5 burstage abatement: 5 (intangibles: 0.5)
24th St. nr. Valencia (Mission) 1/18/04
$6.14 - super carne asada
Comments: When *five* categories score a perfect five mustaches, there are only nits at which to pick – in the case of this spiffy Mission spot, those nits are spicing inconsistencies and burrito sizing that will leave you wanting more; any discussion of a steak-inclusive Papalote dish begins and ends with their superlative smoked meat...enough cannot be written, other than it may damn well be the finest in town (also see/taste: La Taqueria); grilled tortilla sends several happy returns, as does the exceptionally classy rice and kindly melted cheese; another clever trick here is how the mighty sauciness covers for the pinto beans aboard – The Committee swears by the refried way of life, yet Papalote demonstrates as alternative bean-lifestyle worth applauding; a triumphantly seamless mix – no small feat in this era of burrito ingredient segregation – points to another area of perfection attained, while well-schooled construction and end-to-end hot temperatures raise the mustache bar higher than ever; a bit of indefinable flavor garners a bonus half-'stache; give this burrito some organic growth hormones and some additional spice-kick, and it's a potential titlist; for now, it's wait-and-see on whether it advances to the semifinals.

1 Taq. El Castillito: 4.39
2 Papalote Mexican Grill: 4.35
3 Taq. Fiesta Taco: 3.31

(Yet to be visited: Taq. San Francisco; Taq. El Tonayense; Aguila De Oro; Chavo's; Luna Azul.)

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Despite Lobbying, Wang Fat Fish Market Not On Docket

Tu 1/20 evening: Luna Azul (South Of Market: Mission at 4th St. - inside Metreon)
Th 1/22 evening: Taq. San Francisco (Mission: 24th St. at York), or Taq. El Tonayense (Mission: 24th St. at Shotwell)
Sa 1/24 afternoon or Su 1/25 afternoon: Aguila De Oro (Bayview: 3rd St. nr. Thomas)

Sesos smoothies on the house to the first five readers brave enough to tag along.

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And now for something completely different.

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Letters To The Apocalypse

It's a weighty mailbag this time in light of last week's long-awaited complete mustache ratings release culled from our citywide 2003 tour. Hit us, hit us real hard, we'll hit back:

Dear Committee: "I and many others are currently reaping – and will continue to reap – the benefits of your sacrifice for years to come. The City and County of San Francisco thanks you."
The Committee blushes: "Sacrifice"? Try "super carne asada olympiad." Someone had to do it eventually – may as well have been us. We'll never forget it. And you're welcome.

Dear Committee: "Will there be a small home in cyberville to house this list in perpetuity? Sometimes e-mails get filed into oblivion, and if there were a permanent home for this info, I could bookmark it and refer to it forever. Yer pal, the lengua eater."
The Committee folds its hands on the boardroom table, glances out the 30th floor window over the city skyline and window-washer dudes, and presents the following business plan: We've had a pair of very kind offers from readers with web-hosting space. Hopefully we'll be able to leverage our content and partner with one of these generous concerns in an effort to synergize our rice, beans, and steak with their hard drives and servers. Please stay tuned.

Dear Committee: "Do you think the pioneers would have had more success if they had built their cabins out of foil-wrapped burritos instead of logs or sod?"
The Committee expresses doubt: They didn't?

Dear Committee: "It's really quite a monumental task you've taken upon your shoulders and gastrointestinal tract. Though the supermarket below my Bangkok apartment has half-decent tortillas, I've only mustered up a two-mustache effort at best over on this end of the world. My mango salsa is stellar though. There is a Mexican place I've heard about that's supposed to be good, and Malaysia had one Mexican dude with a food cart, but he was gone when we came back. My cheesesteaks on the other hand are pretty damn good, though I'm considering subbing Campbell's Cheese Soup in the place of Cheese Whiz, which is sadly unavailable. Good luck in the playoffs."
The Committee imagines: Mmm, peanut sauce burritos with bamboo shoots.

Dear Committee: "YES!"
The Committee hurrahs: ...and "YES!" again. Burritos, they bring the world joy.

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Ongoing thanks to all the newsletter disseminators. We promise to never use the word "disseminators" again. It makes us feel all dirty.

Questions, comments, anecdotes, list addition/removal requests always welcome and encouraged:

yours, in lard,