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Intestinal Apocalypse Weekly, February 9, 2004back to archive
That's right. Too hot for prime time. Banned by the BBC. Controversy nipping our heels at every turn. This week's blargh is straight-up dangerous. Up next, a bunch of morons go kite-surfing in shark waters:

- Semifinals Results: 2/3 - 2/7
- Ongoing Semifinals Schedule/Standings: 2/9 - 2/15
- Well We're Sure We Left It There Yesterday: 2003-04 Gas Face Awards
- Cut The Crap, Beano: Letters To The Apocalypse

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Lost Burrito Found In Folsom St. Tree; Owner Sought

Beginning last Tuesday the 3rd, the 2003-04 San Francisco Burrito Playoffs' semifinal round enjoyed ripples of vague interest in select pockets of town, yes it did. However, the primary civic response to this three-week chapter of our gastrointestinal journey was mainly one of remarkable indifference, pockmarked with a smattering of ironic appreciation from people who wear ratty Chuck Taylors. This all despite our hiring of some sandwich-board guy to evangelize our cause for an hour one morning at Powell MUNI.

SPOT THE MINOR CHANGES FROM LAST WEEK, WIN A SIDE OF GUAC!: A total of 14 elements are examined during our time with a burrito. The first 13 elements are rated on a 0-5 mustache scale, while a maximum of two bonus mustaches are allowed for intangibility. A burrito's Overall Mustache Rating is determined by dividing the total number of mustaches awarded (variable) by the number of burrito elements (a constant 13). The four highest OMRs from the eight-taqueria quarterfinals have advanced to the playoffs' semifinal round, going on right freakin' now man! Accordingly, the top pair of semifinal OMRs will move on to the precipitous final round, which shall occur the final week of this month, during Noise Pop.

Last week's results:

** TAQUERIA EL CASTILLITO ** (seed: 3 odds to win title: 3-2)
Overall Mustache Rating For This Burrito --> 4.35
Ratings By Category --> size: 4.5 tortilla: 5 steak: 4 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 5 sour cream: 4.5 vegetables: 4.5 sauciness: 4.5 spiciness: 3.5 ingredient mix: 3.5 temperature: 4.5 burstage abatement: 4.5 (intangibles: 0.5)
Church btwn. Duboce/14th St. (Duboce Triangle) 2/3/04
$5.49 - super carne asada
Comments: Almost identical OMR to that of our quarterfinal visit to El Castillito on 1/16, although a few differences were spotted this time around, namely: carne asada was missing a certain deliciousness on this visit, though it still graded out very respectably; most noticeably, this burrito didn't display nearly the peppery kick the previous effort had...what part of "And make it spicy willya" didn't they understand?; nevertheless, no major misgivings here, and to its credit, the tortilla was markedly improved in its grill-time, resulting in a full one-mustache rating inflation; why can't all burritoteers work cheese-related wonders like the El Castillitos do?

** PAPALOTE MEXICAN GRILL ** (seed: 7 odds to win title: 8-1)
Overall Mustache Rating For This Burrito --> 4.46
Ratings By Category --> size: 3 tortilla: 3.5 steak: 5 rice: 4.5 beans: 4 cheese: 4.5 sour cream: 3.5 vegetables: 5 sauciness: 5 spiciness: 4.5 ingredient mix: 5 temperature: 5 burstage abatement: 5 (intangibles: 0.5)
24th St. nr. Valencia (Mission) 2/5/04
$6.14 - super carne asada
Comments: All those 5s above tell the story: here was the highest-rated burrito yet, one that established this spiffy off-Valencia taqueria as the current the flavor of the week, if you will; if they enlarge their works to even remotely mythic proportions, they probably run away with the championship; as it stands, Papalote's steak possesses the power to bring vegetarians back to the herd - something in its mesquite-grilled taste and scent is pure meat-elixir; and this time they pumped up the spice quotient a whole bunch...their chipotle sauce is worth bringing home for the $5 pricetag on each jar; another arrow in the potential champion's quiver.

** AGUILA DE ORO TAQUERIA ** (seed: 4 odds to win title: 3-1)
Overall Mustache Rating --> 4.00
Ratings By Category --> size: 4 tortilla: 4 steak: 3.5 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 4.5 sour cream: 3 vegetables: 2.5 sauciness: 5 spiciness: 4.5 ingredient mix: 3.5 temperature: 5 burstage abatement: 4.5 (intangibles: 0)
3rd St. at Thomas (Bayview) 2/7/04
$4.99 - super carne asada
Comments: The fellows in the "Mr. Pollo" aprons struck again, only not as directly as during our quarterfinal visit two Saturdays ago; most of the vegetables had apparently taken a winter holiday to Aruba, as the pico de gallo / cilantro / guacamole content was notably absent - baffling; at least the chopped onion stuck around for our visit, thanks chopped onion!; the Golden Eagle's standard-bearing sauciness assured a parking spot on the respectable side of the street, but otherwise we found ourselves gnawing on the splintery nub of good-but-not-great burritodom, not to mention overripe mixed metaphors - wanted: editor.

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Dan Quayle Found Face-Down In Half-Eaten Carnitas Taco At La Taqueria

M 2/9: Taqueria San Francisco (Mission: 24th St. at York)
W 2/11 or Th 2/12: Taqueria El Castillito (Duboce Triangle: Church btwn. Duboce/14th St.)
Sa 2/14: Aguila De Oro (Bayview: 3rd St. at Thomas)

** Semifinals Results (Through 2/7) **
1 Papalote Mexican Grill: 4.46
2 Taqueria El Castillito: 4.35
3 Aguila De Oro Taqueria: 4.00
- Taqueria San Francisco: not yet visited in semifinal round

Each taqueria shall receive two visits during the semifinal round. Each burrito's pair of OMRs will then be averaged out via a complex equation known in math circles as "dividing by two."

Semifinals: Tu 2/3 - Th 2/19
Finals: M 2/23 - Su 2/29
Champion crowned: Su 2/29
Colonostomy: M 3/1

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Books That Will Never Make The Best-Seller List:
- "Lengua and You: 101 Practical Uses For Beef Tongue"
- "Big and Very Big Hole Drilling"
- "The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling"
- "Conrad Bain: An Oral History"

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Letters To The Apocalypse

For the first time in weeks, we got no word from some distant locale (i.e. Morocco, Thailand, Tacoma). Unless your idea of "distant" is Greenwich near Union, then see below. Anyway, say hi sometime:

Dear Committee: Why? WHY?
The Committee speaks in awfully Zen tones: Just because. And, for the lard.

Dear Committee: Are you gonna do a sesos burrito tour later on in '04? I think you should. Not that many places do sesos anymore and so it would probably only take a month of your time, playoffs included.
The Committee steers clear: Um. Frankly, we're really starting to miss Thai, Ethiopian, and Indian cuisine right about now. Uh. Not to mention breakfast burritos. The genius who initially paired scrambled eggs, bacon and ham, and refried beans should get knighted, straight away with no questions asked.

Dear Committee: "Are you sure those Bayview joints are in SF? That's not really SF, is it?"
The Committee....: Is it possible to not alienate a valued reader without also fixing them with the "dumb-ass" tag?

Dear Committee: Hey, what did you think of High Tech Burrito? I didn't see it on your big list last month? I thought this was a complete list of SF taqs.?
The Committee reasons: Because there's no High Tech Burrito in our fair City By The Bay. Which does a lot to explain why our City By The Bay is so fair in the first place.

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Thanks to everyone for everything, except that one guy for that one thing.

Questions, comments, anecdotes, list addition/removal requests always welcome and encouraged:

yours, in lard,