the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, April 2007back to archive

First comes Bite. Chew. Mull. That's the part where we recap last month's taqueria visits. Last Month's Taqueria Visits is already in use elsewhere - hence the enigmatic Bite. Chew. Mull. handle.

Then it's Dear Beano. Beano's this old crank we wheel out once a month to answer e-mail. Beano has no friends. Read on and learn why.

Next up: Obstinate User Commentary, starring anyone brassy enough to send us well-formed thoughts on local burrito shops.

Surely you're familiar with the Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel. No? Challenge yourself a bit and learn something today in This Month in Pneumatic, Cross-Continental Food Transport Technologies.

Finally, (epilogue) is a play on the final moments of each episode of The Streets of San Francisco, a television drama that aired before the advent of electricity.

Pull up a food.

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Toss Another Ten Raging Slabs Upon the Pile

The uncelebrated El Norteño slabwagon near Bryant and 6th St. stole last month's show with an 8.92 stunner. Aside from this memorable showing, the burritos of March ranged from succulent to suckulent. Details follow.

LA PARRILLA GRILL (Russian Hill), 3/3/07, Super Pastor: 7.42 mustaches
La Parrilla’s salsa is strangely carbonated-looking. Not that this de-sauced burrito contained much of it.

EL NORTEÑO (South of Market), 3/6/07, Super Pollo: 8.92 mustaches
El Norteño's nine-mustache express may have been derailed by a set of sludgy refrieds, but this effort still rang up the highest-ever rating for a truck burrito.

TAQ. EL PATRON (Civic Center / Tenderloin), 3/8/07, Super Chile Verde Pork: 7.33 mustaches
On its sixth day of business, El Patron acquitted itself adequately on its first pass through the Burritoeater mustache grinder.

TAQ. CASTILLO (McAllister) (Civic Center / Tenderloin), 3/10/07, Super Pollo en Salsa Verde: 7.50 mustaches
This slab's superbland game plan played to perfection and never released its deathgrip throughout. Its one-mustache intangibility spoke volumes.

TACO DEL MAR (Bryant) (South of Market), 3/13/07, Mondo Breakfast (Sausage): 7.92 mustaches
At the end of the breakfast, Taco Del Mar had done its weird, Buddy-Holly-gone-Norteño mascot proud, somewhat.

LA CANASTA (Marina), 3/16/07, Grande Chile Relleno: 8.00 mustaches
La Canasta’s song remained the same - an inarguably solid slab overcame a few hindrances to ultimately rate well, while failing to completely win over our non-plussed judges panel.

CASA MEXICANA (Noe Valley), 3/21/07, Super Chicken Molé: 7.42 mustaches
Hey, alright, no temperature miscues. But, oh no, hardly any veggie additives, either. For every tit at Casa Mexicana, there’s apparently a tat in response.

LA LOMA TAQ. (Portola), 3/24/07, Super al Pastor: 8.08 mustaches
Other than this slab's Achilles heel - unmelted grates of jack cheese, three mustaches worth - all slabular systems were go in the rear taqueria of this Portola corner market.

RICO MEX (South of Market), 3/28/07, Super Chile Colorado Pork: 7.17 mustaches
Good grief, what a mess. A rico mess.

TAQ. EL JALAPEÑO (Ingleside), 3/30/07, Super Grilled Chicken: 7.83 mustaches
Had this Ingleslab’s sadly rice-obsessed ingredient mix not had its way, we surely would have had ourselves a worthy eight-mustache burrito on/in our hands here. But, nooooooo.

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Old Dog, Equally Old Tricks

A wide-eyed intern at Burritoeater Towers recently asked our own in-house taqueria sage, Beano Cook, what kind of burrito he'd like to be. Beano contemplated the question thoroughly before wistfully replying, "Meatloaf." It was a telling moment, delivered late in a storied career, and one which got him sent home early for the third time that week.

Dear Beano: Can I look at on my cell phone?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Apparently, if you bring up Google on your contraption's Web browser and search "," you can access a version of the site that way. But I wouldn't know for sure. I only listen to AM radio.

Dear Beano: Hamwich or beefwich? What’s your pleasure, Beano?
Dear Apocalypse reader: I think I'll stick with the Senior Hot Beef Sandwich...or if my appetite's minimal, perhaps the Little Wrangler Rib Dinner.

Dear Beano: I made myself a breakfast burrito for dinner last night.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Nice work. I cut up some gravy-slathered meatloaf and mixed it in with my Frosted Flakes this morning. I can't have steak nachos every morning.

Dear Beano: I would just like to say that I totally agree with your description of La Taqueria! My boyfriend and I don't understand the big fuss that so many people make over their burritos.
Dear Apocalypse reader: I'll make my annual give-La-Taqueria-another-shot excursion at some point again this year. I keep waiting for the place to be as great as the neon sign on its back wall claims. Otherwise, it's sure to walk off with our "Underachiever of the Year" Slabby, again.

Dear Beano: I'm working at UCSF now, and I hit Carmelina's for the first time the other day. Pretty sad. That campus needs a taco truck.
Dear Apocalypse reader: I was standing in line alone at Carmelina's a couple years ago, and I've never heard more frightening language at a taqueria, ever. It was all "mass spectrometer" this and "defibrillator" that. Some nurse even said something about having to "catheterize" a patient that morning. All that was missing was some sort of "root canal" reference from a dental student. It was harrowing. Haven't returned since.

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Knowledge Is Power; Obstinance Is Newsletter Content

April is Obstinate User Month. Well, hoo-ray. Celebrate by sharing with our editorial staff your semi-lucid thoughts and ill-informed opinions on the San Francisco taqueria scene. Have a brash bash on us.

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial board's discretion. Actually, count on it.)

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"The new Taq. Guadalajara blew my mind this afternoon. You can get a mixto there (two kinds of meat), so I went with a pastor / pollo asado combo. They integrated the meats - nearly every bite had a little bit of both. No habañero salsa there, but their fake-leather chairs say "Taqueria Guadalajara" and they had the Mexico / Italy game on the flatscreen."

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"Pancho Villa on the Embarcadero just served me the worst burrito I've ever had in San Francisco. It was cold - so bad I almost sent it back. Always tell them “to go,” so they'll steam the thing. I made the mistake of saying “for here,” and they just made it, wrapped it, and handed it off. Horrific. Plus, you have birds diving at you in that place."

(We've experienced the aggressive avian issue for ourselves there. Not fun. But we've had good burrito-eating times at that location. -Ed.)

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"They're not afraid of size at El Farolito on 24th St. Last night's super carnitas was so hefty that I placed it on the kitchen scale for numerical proof: 2 lbs., 1 oz. of porky happiness. However, it made me slightly uneasy thinking that it would take eight burger patties to weigh as much as my dinner."

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Also: Great Deals on Bridges!

Thanks to Senator Ted Stevens' daring assertion last winter, we now know the Interweb is composed of a series of tubes. But did you also know that San Francisco is New York, NY's chief direct source of burritos?

Of course, our nation's mainstream media, in its continual obsession with more "crucial" issues such as war, fuel prices, and the legacy of Anna Nicole Smith, has failed for decades to cover the infinitely compelling tale of the Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel - essentially, the eighth wonder of the world. It's a story of American ingenuity, of scientific cunning, of a Big Slabble hungry for fresh foiled foods from the Great West, of burritos "tracing graceful arcs into the East River, glowing like faint red sparks in the night." You will weep.

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Newsletter subscription addition/removal requests, questions, comments, and/or anecdotes always welcome:

Lloyd Dobler, alright.

Kindly direct news of taqueria openings, closures, or name-changes here:

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Yours, in delicious horchata,