the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, September 2008back to archive

Bite. Chew. Mull. is a tidy matter, with only two August taqueria visits to recap.

Opportunistic Dear Beano picks up the slack with all the cordiality you've come to expect from our ancient taqueria sage, Beano Cook.

Contributors to this month's Obstinate Reader Commentary range from the downright gruntled to the outright disgruntled.

Our previously moribund Promotions team has rigged up a way for you to win a pair of tickets to see Shopping! The Musical; check This Month In Ticket Giveaways for details. Totally not kidding.

And (epilogue)'s all about the hard news.

Club Slab is open.

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Must Be 18 To Win

No, our judges panel did not go on some sort of silly, burrito-averse diet after August 4; they just hit the road a spell. Prior to piling into the station wagon and motoring off, however, our crew found itself on the business end of fine burritowork at two venerable San Francisco taquerias: Ever-reliable Papalote locked down the number one slot on our current Mustache Chart with a bangin' breakfast burrito, while El Castillito on Church ratcheted up yet another sharp score two evenings later.

PAPALOTE (Mission), 8/2/2008, Super Breakfast (Machaca con Huevo): 8.83 mustaches
Even hotter than Papalote's dining room itself, this breakfast slab was one of the most unfailingly mixed burritos we’ve ever had the pleasure of slowly eliminating. Slab of the Month, August 2008 -- although of course, competition was less than fierce.

TAQ. EL CASTILLITO (Castro), 8/4/2008, Super Pollo: 8.17 mustaches
A girthsome, yet overall unspectacular meal by Castillito standards; it still managed to warrant a double-mustache infusion of intangibility.

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No Purchase Necessary

When not making the scene at local taquerias or reminiscing with the boys at the barber shop about when it was only five cents for a guacamole add-in at El Faro, our would-be ageless mascot is weathering the storm that is the mailbag. Be a rainmaker and drop the old man a brilliant question, insightful comment, gripping anecdote, or the like re: San Francisco burrito shops at He likes that.

Dear Beano: There is no rice in a Super Bronco burrito at El Burrito Express, so I am curious why your reviews rate them on that basis.
Dear Apocalypse reader: There is rice in Super Bronco burrito at El Burrito Express, if you request that the kitchen add rice. Have it YOUR WAY, San Francisco!

Dear Beano: Much to my chagrin, my wife has decided, after perusing you site, that she wants to create her own site: Thanks a lot. Now I'm worried she'll end up on a bartender blacklist and we'll no longer be able to frequent any local watering holes.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Are you accusing of being a poor influence? In all the years we've provided our valuable taqueria concierge (of sorts) services, we've never once acted in a manner that's anything less than role model-worthy. (Detractors may dredge up the time we poured a bucket of horchata over the head of the head of the La Taqueria Booster Club at that one Rotary banquet, but come on, that jackass had it coming with that bullhorn and "Rice is for dipshits!" T-shirt.) Tell your wife to instead get cracking on and you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Dear Beano: For the record, there is chicken broth in the rice at Gordo Taq. -- so the bean and cheese burrito there isn't actually vegetarian. We decided to start bringing our own rice in a container up to the shop on Clement. They think we're crazy. After several years of them politely and silently doing this, I finally thought I'd force them to say something to me about it, so one day I made black rice. And indeed, one of the guys behind the counter asked me what it was, and they all tasted it. They approved.
Dear Apocalypse reader: BYOR -- who knew? Nicely done.

Dear Beano: Are you a professional burrito-eater?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Absolutely. When I got into this racket in the '40s, sponsorships were unheard of. These days, I'm easy to spot at the taqueria -- look for the old guy in the colorful, moisture-wicking cycling jersey splattered with ads for La Victoria (world's greatest salsas and chips), La Tortilla Factory (fine tortilla products), Weyerhauser (top-grade napkins), and other industry-leading companies. I'm way pro.

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One Entry Per Person

We care what you think about San Francisco taquerias. Of course we care. We care so much that we devote this finite bit of space in each month's Apocalypse to your commentary alone. Make it extra-obstinate -- all the better.

Hey batter, hey batter batter, hey batt -- SWING!:

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial staff's discretion.)

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"I'm with you on the steady decline of the Tacos El Tonayense trucks. At best these days, their burritos are fine; at other times, I'd almost rather be eating a shoe. Spotty consistency."

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"You're too hard on Chino's Taq. I've lived in the Outer Richmond for 12 years, and I've never been disappointed with one of their burritos."

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"I went to Chavo's yesterday. Friendly service. Rice could have used a little jazzing up. Had some seepage."
(Seepage. Oh, the humanity. -Ed.)

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Support The Arts! On The House!

The Most Wonderful Retail Time of the Year will be here again before you can say, Another Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving Day? Oh why? That in mind, we're giving away five pairs of tickets to just as many savvy readers to see a Friday night performance of Shopping! The Musical at the Shelton Theatre near Union Square here in Slabtown USA.

There's a minor amount of research involved to win, and it entails being one of the first five correct respondents to the following query:
Name two of the three San Francisco taquerias which, as of September 21, 2008, have each produced two nine-mustache burritos on Burritoeater record. (In the likely event these taquerias have more than one shop in San Francisco, please specify location. And if you want to show off and name all three taquerias, well, alright.)
Send your answers (correct or not) to Or if you're reading this newsletter in an e-mail, simply reply. Or if you can't be bothered, go jump in a lake.

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Now for this month's hidden bonus track.

The Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly,, and The Great Mustache logo are brought to you by The Exploding Head Trick Publishing Co.

Yours, in delicious horchata,