the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, April 2009back to archive

Well it's one for the Bite. Chew. Mull.

Two for the Dear Beano.

Three for the Obstinate Reader Commentary.

Now go (epilogue) go.

Apparently it's rockabilly night at Club Slab. Kindly pull up a food.

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Because as Content Goes, "(7.73 + 7.25 + 7.58 + 7.00 + 8.00 + 8.17 + 8.00 + 8.17) / 8 = 7.74" Isn't Nearly As Compelling

March was the Dakotas. March was Atlee Hammaker's 1983 season. March was a little carton of half-and-half. March was before April.

The first half of March saw our panel get pelted with more mediocrity than a diehard Oliver Stone fan; things improved considerably later in the month, with a quartet of eight-mustache (and better!) burritos to buoy our panel's mood. We checked The New Spot, a place that's been around a couple years now, and that worked out pretty alright. So did trips to civic stand-bys La Cumbre, San Jose, and El Farolito, three of San Francisco's saltiest-of-the-earth taquerias — something that can't be said for Alex Gourmet Burrito in the shadow of the Transamerica Pyramid.

EL TEPA TAQ. (Mission), 3/4/2009, Special Chile Relleno: 7.73 mustaches
15-plus bites spent on the deck of El Tepa’s SS Steady-Truckin’ Shruggery.

ALEX GOURMET BURRITO (Financial District), 3/6/2009, Super Chicken al Pastor: 7.25 mustaches
Alex’s gourmet refried beans were thicker than Paris Hilton’s head.

ZONA ROSA (Upper Haight), 3/8/2009, Super Chile Verde Pork: 7.58 mustaches
It’s been the 21st century for awhile now — a taqueria can’t spice-torpedo the hell out of a drab-tasting burrito and expect savvy diners to not recognize such a third-rate snowjob. Also, the restroom was out of paper towels.

LA SALSA (Fisherman's Wharf), 3/12/2009, Grande Chicken: 7.00 mustaches
When rice is the star ingredient, you can be pretty sure you don’t have a nine-mustache hall-of-famer in your midst.

TAQ, LA CUMBRE (Mission), 3/17/2009, Super Carne Asada: 8.00 mustaches
La Cumbre’s old ’67 sedan slogged its way over our eight-mustache summit.

TAQ. SAN JOSE (North Beach), 3/23/2009, Super al Pastor: 8.17 mustaches
Intangibility was sky-high from the get-go, meriting an equal amount of bonus mustaches and hyphenated phrases. And the pastor! Possibly San Francisco's finest. Co-Slab of the Month, March 2009.

THE NEW SPOT (Dogpatch), 3/26/2009, Super Carne Asada: 8.00 mustaches
This monstrosity featured ample and highly flavorful carne asada, not to mention nearly as much cheese as the whole of Wisconsin. And look at the size of that parrot!!

TAQ. EL FAROLITO (Mission St.) (Mission), 3/29/2009, Super Carnitas: 8.17 mustaches
The definitive Farolito slab, punctuated by an earthiness other Bay Area taquerias aspire to one day decode. Co-Slab of the Month, March 2009.

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Our Sharpest-Dressed Feature

It's The Beano Cook Show. Starring: Beano Cook. Brought to you by Haggar Reversible Slacks.

Pepper our senior-level taqueria sage with questions relevant to the subject matter at hand. Or just compliment him on his snazzy new pants:

Dear Beano: I see you have Jimmy the Corn Man on your splash page now. I remember when Casa Sanchez was offering free lunch for life to anyone who got Jimmy tattooed on his/her body.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Yeah, that was a short-lived deal about ten years ago. The most interesting thing about it wasn't that all these people in town were getting tattoos of a cute little cartoon vaquero riding a rocket-like corn on the cob. It was that, out of pure economy, they would feel compelled to eat what remains today one of the most consistently disappointing burritos in the superstar taqueria-rich Mission.

Dear Beano: Can you tell me what a "New York-style submarine burrito" is? This was advertised on a signboard in front of an eatery on West Queen in Toronto. I was too busy dealing with poutine to sample this delicacy, so I'm hoping you might have some insight.
Dear Apocalypse reader: I could probably waste your time and mine (and our readers') trying to pinpont exactly what in the hell that item could be. But it's likely that any Eastern Canadian interpretation of a weak New York variant of a California culinary icon that itself is an outsized embellishment of a Mexican culinary afterthought is probably worth avoiding. Just saying.

Dear Beano: I actually like reading your newsletter. Your writing and humor are great works of art each month. Viva Intestinal Apocalypse. You gotta love it.
Dear Apocalypse reader: You know, my staff periodically hears from readers who merely say they enjoy this monthly blather. But you! You "actually like" it. Many thanks!!

Dear Beano: How come Anthony Bourdain didn't hit any taquerias on his recent tour of San Francisco?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Supposedly he didn't want to overdo it here because he's got a trip to Toronto in the works. And no self-respecting television culinary professional visits Toronto without torpedo'ing one or two New York-style submarine burritos.

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Community, Coschmunity

OK, we don't mean that.

OK, we sort of do. Certainly we respect the opinions of our readers, though. Got one on a San Francisco taqueria? Send it here. Maybe we'll reprint it in a month or two.

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial staff's discretion. In fact, count on it.)

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"Ate at Taco Del Mar last night, and everything looked like it had been left over from lunch. I got pork since it looked the least tired, but overall the burrito tasted a bit fishy. I think it was the combination of old guacamole and a not-spicy pepper in the salsa. It was all a bit bland — the salsa was supposed to be medium, but it was definitely mild. Maybe the place is better at lunch time."

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"I can't thank you enough for turning me on to El Norteño. I've always had an aversion to taco/burrito trucks (weird, since I'm originally from Los Angeles, where they're everywhere), but this one's clearly my gateway."

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"I know you like to champion Taq. San Francisco like there's no tomorrow, but I don't see the thrill. Nor do I taste it. It's OK, but compared to so many other places in the Mission, or even just along 24th St., it's nothing special. Sorry to kill one of your sacred cows here."

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We jam econo.

Now for this month's hidden bonus track.

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Yours, in delicious horchata,