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Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, October 2009back to archive
IN THIS MONTH'S APOCALYPSE...

September sure kicked down some towering works of slab. These and lesser meals get the capsulized treatment in Bite. Chew. Mull.

Topics broached in this month's Dear Beano Q&A include Burritoeater.com's true aim / shining path, the street food thing, and Florida's greatest shame: food felonies. Broad strokes, indeed.

Has Obstinate Reader Commentary finally taken things too far?

One local periodical's got slow-cooked egg all over its face in The Big Slab SF: 100 Burritos To Eat Before You Die.

And it's high time (epilogue) finally got into the furniture business.

Pull up a food!

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"Drier than the Los Angeles River and bereft of any charm whatsoever, this burrito continually lunged for the lightswitch in the dark, but kept flipping on the garbage disposal by mistake."
--> Taq. Reina's (South of Market), 8/14/2007

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BITE. CHEW. MULL.
There Is Joy in Burritos!


Not only were we sledgehammered by quality burritowork at Taq. Reina's down near the Daly City line. Not only did we get blindsided by goofy national chain Baja Fresh's suddenly and shockingly on-point slabfare. Not only were we on the business end of a marvelous, wonderful cheesefest at beach-adjacent La Playa Taq. No, there was even more superlativity to our burrito-eating September.

Namely: The highest-rated burrito we've had hurled our way in the nearly seven years we've been in this taqueria-journalism racket.

The Little Chihuahua, we salute you! A 100% irony-free salutation. Today, you are truly the gods' socks.

EL TESORO (Geary) (Civic Center / Tenderloin), 9/4/2009, Super Pollo en Salsa: 8.08 mustaches
Conveniently located inside Mid City Foods market, this special El Tesoro location greatly enhances your odds of procuring a burrito, a box of Wheat Thins, and perhaps even some deodorant in one fell swoop.

CASA MEXICANA (Noe Valley), 9/6/2009, Super Chile Relleno: 7.73 mustaches
The 2009 Giants burrito: Enjoyable and yet frustrating at the same time.

LUNA AZUL (South of Market), 9/11/2009, Cajun Chicken: 7.58 mustaches
Yet another review of ours that awkwardly devolves into mock-audience participation.

BAJA FRESH (South of Market), 9/15/2009, Ultimo Chicken: 8.50 mustaches
We approached Baja Fresh's front door cautiously after hoping the place had closed its doors for good. We emerged in a mild state of shock in the wake of a truly delicious foiled meal.

EL CACHANILLA (Mission), 9/20/2009, Super Barbacoa: 7.67 mustaches
At least nobody in El Cachanilla’s kitchen had the guile to slip part of a cornea into our burrito.

THE LITTLE CHIHUAHUA (Lower Haight), 9/23/2009, Fajita Pollo Asado: 9.42 mustaches
All hail the Tiny Dog: Arfarfarfarfarf. Slab of the Month, September 2009. Also, Slab of the Year, Slab of the Decade, Slab of the Century, and Slab of the Millennium, to date.

TAQ. REINA'S (Crocker-Amazon), 9/27/2009, Super Ranchero Steak: 8.58 mustaches
The convivial folks in Reina’s kitchen clearly know the way to our hearts, and it involves hearty avocado slices, hell-bringing spice, and scads of melted Jack cheese bleeding white and gooey over real good refried beans.

LA PLAYA TAQ. (Outer Sunset), 9/30/2009, Super Chile Relleno: 8.27 mustaches
Nobody wants to see the tin foil shards strewn about the red plastic basket. They just want to see 8.27 mustaches on the scoreboard at slab's end.

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"One bean in a burrito? How does such a thing occur?"
--> Tacos El Tonayense (Harrison/14th St.), 4/7/2008

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DEAR BEANO
There Is Love in Burritos!


He answers the tough questions. And sometimes he asks a few back.

He fights "the system" every day. He usually loses by 50, but still.

He wears Old Spice. He wears neckties, even -- especially! -- on casual Friday. And he doesn't wear just pants. He wears "trousers."

HE'S A NEGRO MODELO MAN.

He's also our nutjob of a taqueria sage, and he's taking your calls at dearbeano@burritoeater.com. Speak clearly!

Dear Beano: I love your site! Sadly, I live far away in Florida, and must content myself with finding an unmustachioed burrito this evening.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Well, it's great to be here again at the Copa. Now, what's with all the food-related crime down here right now? Have you seen these recent headlines from around your Sunshine State? Hernando Beach: Teen Turns Burrito into Deadly Weapon, Cops Say. Naples: Woman Charged with Smacking Man Over Undercooked Food. Miami: Prosecutor Throws Punch Over Pizza, Cops Say. What's next? Miami/Gainesville/Tallahassee: Academic Scandal at Big-Time Football School? Never!

Dear Beano: How about that Little Chihuahua?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Yeah, huh?

Dear Beano: What's with this current street food trend here in San Francisco? I was OK with just getting a couple Tonayense tacos, but now friends are trying to get me to go for chicken and waffles, and weird mash-ups like Korean tacos. It's both clever and annoying.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Used to be it was only tacos, burritos, and hot dogs out there in the street, living the street life in those taco trucks and burrito wagons and hot dog carts. You know, street-wise food. Food that kicks your ass eight ways to Sunday if you even so much as look at it the wrong way. Right there in the street!! You dig? Oh it's tough in the street, my man. When you're in the street, you get tired of them same old choices. You want more. You always want more. So you start prospectin'! You feel me? Creatin'! Trial'n! Err'n! And when that dust clears, maybe you get more than just those tacos, burritos, and hot dogs. Maybe one day you look there in the street, and there it is. Yes sir, my man, maybe you get what you want. Maybe you get cupcakes.

Dear Beano: The thing about your site is that it's about much more than just burritos and taquerias and even San Francisco. That's why I keep coming back to it every week. I don't even like burritos all that much (don't yell at me).
Dear Apocalypse reader: I will yell at you. So what's it about then? Teamwork? Dedication? Math? I am not through yelling at you. Is it about the gritty philosophical ramblings of someone who's clearly spent a little too much time at Eddy and Leavenworth? Giant mustaches on T-shirts? I am through yelling at you. Coffee?

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"Excellent bits of grilled chicken and hellacious spiciness possibly endorsed by Lucifer himself kept this burrito in the thick of things throughout."
--> Tacos El Tonayense (Harrison/17th St.), 2/28/2005

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OBSTINATE READER COMMENTARY
There Is Usually Rice in Burritos!


Here's your chance! Your chance to stand out from the crowd.

We want to know what you think of (insert San Francisco taqueria here).

Daily, our Community Management staff sits around Burritoeater Towers, smoking Virginia Slims and American Spirits and sighing a lot. And in between all the smoking and sighing, these people wonder aloud what you really think of (insert San Francisco taqueria here).

"You know what, Beefmaster?"

"No. Tell me, Hammertoes."

"I wonder what you think of (insert San Francisco taqueria here)?"

"By 'you,' of course you are referring to Apocalypse readers."

"Of course. That is implied here."

"Of course. And I've also been wondering what you think of (insert San Francisco taqueria here)."

Etc. etc.

This sort of thing occurs around here regularly. At restroom sinks. In elevators. Over salty snacks and wine coolers at Thursday evening staff mixers.

So why not take a moment to send your thoughts on (insert San Francisco taqueria here) to ch@burritoeater.com? For goodness sake, give Chad and Hillary in Community Management down on six something to do before they come up with any more unsettling nicknames for one another.

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial board's discretion. In fact, count on it.)

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"I overheard a couple of my co-workers say to one another today, 'Let's go to Rubio's.' I didn't know whether I should cringe, laugh, or just push them out the door."

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"I'm trying to understand why certain people in the Mission flip out over El Cachanilla. I'll allow that it's probably the coolest Mexican place in town, with its walk-up window and taco menu painted on the underside of the awning, and the fact that they will put cow eyes in your food if you ask them to do so. But I've yet to have a great burrito there. And it looks like it's been awhile since you've had a great burrito there, too."
Over six years, yeah. -Ed.

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"The New Spot might be the best off-the-radar joint in the city -- anywhere, any type of food. The Salvadorean dishes are always on their game. And the burritos are pretty tight."

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THE BIG SLAB SF: 100 BURRITOS TO EAT BEFORE YOU DIE
There Is Rarely Coffee-Rubbed Pork Shoulder or Shrimp-and-Chive Dumplings In Burritos!


Gotta say we're sort of up in a lather about this one feature that ran in glossy local magazine 7x7 earlier this year: The Big Eat SF: 100 Things to Try Before You Die.

There's no false advertising in the feature's death-racing title: It's simply a San Francisco food century of sorts, as compiled by the local magazine's editors. The idea's fair enough in its own right -- we love a fun list as much as anyone -- but there's a serious issue with this one: There's not a single burrito on it.

What in the hell are they thinking?

We're as unsurprised as anyone that La Taqueria's rad tacos get a shout-out, as do Papalote's foolproof chips and salsa. Totally deserved.

But no burritos? Really? We're not even going to begin guessing what caused this laughable snub of San Francisco's signature econo-food.

Does 7x7 have the faintest idea how damaging its unforgivable gaffe could be to our town's psyche?

But that damage is reparable, and we've got the right tool for the job: The Big Slab SF: 100 Burritos To Eat Before You Die, presented in no particular order. Step on it!

1: Super pollo asado burrito at Taq. San Francisco
2: Super chile verde pork burrito at Gordo Taq.
3: Super pollo a la plancha burrito at La Laguna Taq.
4: Super carne asada burrito at Papalote
5: Super bronco chile colorado beef burrito at El Burrito Express
6: Super al pastor burrito at Taq. Reina's
7: Super fajita pollo asado burrito at The Little Chihuahua
8: Super pastor burrito at Taq. El Castillito
9: Kalua pork burrito at Sunset Taq.
10: Super chile relleno burrito at Taq. El Balazo
11: Super grilled chicken burrito at Goza-Goza Taco
12: Super carnitas burrito at Taq. Can-cún
13: Super lamb burrito at El Norteño
14: Supremo carne asada burrito at Andalé
15: Super grilled chicken burrito at L'avenida
16: Super tinga chicken burrito at La Fonda
17: Super puerco en chile verde burrito at The New Spot
18: Super spicy chicken burrito at Taq. La Michoacana
19: Super al pastor burrito at Taq. El Taco Loco
20: Super breakfast (chorizo) burrito at Taq. El Farolito
21: Super chile verde pork burrito at Mariachi's
22: Especial al pastor burrito at El Azteca Taq.
23: Super ground beef burrito at La Mexicana
24: Super carne molida burrito at Taq. La Paz
25: Super chile relleno burrito at La Corneta Taq.
26: Super al pastor burrito at Taq. La Tambora
27: Super al pastor burrito at Taq. El Jalapeño
28: Super pollo bbq burrito at El Tesoro
29: Breakfast (chorizo) burrito at La Playa Taq.
30: Super al pastor burrito at Los Compadres
31: Shredded tinga chicken burrito at Maya (Next Door)
32: Three pepper fajita chicken burrito at La Salsa
33: Super pollo en salsa roja burrito at Chavo's
34: Super pollo asado burrito at Chunky's
35: Super carnitas burrito at Taq. El Gran Taco Loco
36: Super carnitas burrito at Taq. Guadalajara
37: Super carnitas burrito at Cuco's
38: Super pollo asado burrito at Tacos El Tonayense
39: Grande chile relleno burrito at La Canasta
40: Super spicy chicken burrito at Taq. El Sol
41: Super fajita al pastor burrito at Dos Piñas Taq.
42: Super pollo asado burrito at Cinco de Mayo Taq.
43: Super breakfast burrito at El Faro
44: Super pollo en chile rojo burrito at Taq. La Cumbre
45: Super pollo asado burrito at Tacos San Buena
46: Super ground beef burrito at Caramba
47: Super carne asada burrito at Aguila de Oro
48: Super carne asada burrito at Taq. Los Coyotes
49: Super al pastor burrito at La Loma Taq.
50: Ultimo chicken burrito at Baja Fresh
51: Super pollo burrito at La Palma Mexicatessen
52: Super carne asada burrito at El Tepa Taq.
53: Super chipotle chicken burrito at Zona Rosa
54: Super pork mole burrito at Taco del Mar
55: Super bbq chicken burrito at Luna Azul
56: Super carne asada burrito at The Little Chihuahua
57: Super grilled chicken burrito at Gordo Taq.
58: Super breakfast (bacon) burrito at La Laguna Taq.
59: Super chile relleno burrito at Taq. San Francisco
60: Super bronco carnitas burrito at El Burrito Express
61: Super ranchero steak burrito at Taq. Reina's
62: Super carne asada burrito at Taq. El Castillito
63: Super chile verde pork burrito at Papalote
64: Super pollo burrito at El Norteño
65: Super carne asada burrito at Sunset Taq.
66: Super carne desebrada burrito at Taq. El Balazo
67: Super carnitas burrito at Goza-Goza Taco
68: Super pollo asado burrito at Taq. Can-cún
69: Supremo mole de olla burrito at Andalé
70: Fajita beef burrito at L'avenida
71: Super pollo asado burrito at Público
72: Super cochinita pibil burrito at La Fonda
73: Especial al pastor burrito at Taq. La Michoacana
74: Super carne asada burrito at Taq. El Taco Loco
75: Super pollo asado burrito at Taq. El Farolito
76: Super pollo asado burrito at Taq. La Paz
77: Super al pastor burrito at La Corneta Taq.
78: Super carnitas burrito at Taq. El Jalapeño
79: Super carne asada burrito at El Tesoro
80: Super chile relleno burrito at La Playa Taq.
81: Super al pastor burrito at Los Compadres
82: Pork al pastor burrito at Maya (Next Door)
83: Super chile verde pork burrito at Chavo's
84: Super al pastor burrito at Chunky's
85: Super al pastor burrito at Taq. El Gran Taco Loco
86: Super breakfast (chorizo) burrito at Taq. Can-cún
87: Super pastor burrito at Taq. Guadalajara
88: Super carne asada burrito at Tacos El Tonayense
89: Super al pastor burrito at Taq. El Farolito
90: Super carnitas burrito at Taq. Castillo
91: Super pollo asado burrito at The Little Chihuahua
92: Super beef burrito at Gordo Taq.
93: Super carnitas burrito at Gordo Taq.
94: Super machaca burrito at La Laguna Taq.
95: Super marinated tofu burrito at Papalote
96: Breakfast (chorizo) burrito at El Burrito Express
97: Super tinga chicken burrito at Taq. Reina's
98: Super carne asada burrito at Taq. San Francisco
99: Super al pastor burrito at El Norteño
100: Super breakfast (chorizo) burrito at Taq. El Castillito

Of course, it may as well go without saying that you'll want to leave room for #90 on 7x7's "Big Eat SF" list: the slow-cooked egg at Coi.

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(epilogue)

Please forward freely, yet responsibly.

Newsletter subscription addition/removal requests, questions, comments, and/or anecdotes always welcome: 75468.622@compuserve.com.

Wait a second. Did we say 75468.622@compuserve.com? Sorry, that's not right at all. We meant ch@burritoeater.com.

Kindly direct news of taqueria openings, closures, or name-changes here: tips@burritoeater.com.

It's 2009 and technology is changing the way we live!

Now for this month's hidden bonus track.

The Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, Burritoeater.com, and The Great Mustache logo are brought to you by The Exploding Head Trick Publishing Co.

Yours, in delicious horchata,
Burritoeater.com