Swish: size (10); cheese (9); spiciness (9); temperature (9)
Shrug: tortilla (7); burstage abatement (7); vegetables (6)
Clang: meat (4); beans (4); ingredient mix (3); sauciness (2); rice (1)
Intangibility bonus: 0 (of 2)

Assuming you’re not vegan, wouldn’t you get a little geared up if you saw a pile of Jack cheese melting atop freshly chopped meat on a taqueria grill — and knew it was headed straight for your burrito? We certainly did on this visit to Aguila de Oro, so it’s no understatement to say that we’ve probably never been more let down by a slab. Good grief, this one sucked the chrome off a trailer hitch. Sure, we appreciated the plentiful, all-melted cheese, and the hell-bringing spice and hot bites were nice touches as well. But between the greasy, slippery chicken — which generously offered not one, but two cartilage-inclusive bites — a particularly terrible ingredient mix that ensured our first five or six bites consisted of nothing but perfectly flavorless rice, flat-tasting (and scarily dark-looking) refried beans, sub-zero intangibility, and an overall apocalyptic taste, this unnecessarily gargantuan lunch was a rude gut-kicker pretty much all the way around. Other shortcomings (a seemingly endless cavalcade, yes) included merely passable pico de gallo, disappearing guacamole, and a full-on fall-apart during the last few merciless bites. We can’t believe we ate the whole thing, and we’re still unsure why we did.

Swish: temperature (10); size (9); tortilla (9); burstage abatement (9); meat (8); beans (8); cheese (8)
Shrug: sauciness (7); spiciness (7); rice (6); ingredient mix (6)
Clang: vegetables (5)
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

This wasn’t one of those slender, two-bites-across slabs, oh hell no. It also wasn’t one of those burritos with very many vegetables in it, and for that, its Overall Mustache rating™ grieved a bit. Now, to the meat. This hulking dunch contained more pork than pretty much every congressional bill passed since Nixon’s presidency, and while all that carnitas was mighty tasty (if a little on the soft and greasy side), it simply took over at the expense of most every other ingredient; a meat coup ensued...a total meat shutdown, man. Bites leaned one of two ways: all-meat or no-meat, usually the former. Elsewhere — not that there was much else on hand — the tortilla was extra-grilled and thoroughly flaky, and we enjoyed the fine refrieds, if not the full unspectacular rice. A fair bit of spice and melted cheese got things right, and we recognized the intangible value of this heavy-hitting foiled meal; still, its mix was resolutely off. Someone down at Aguila de Oro Portion Control needs a good talking-to.

Swish: cheese (10); temperature (10); burstage abatement (10); size (9); beans (9); spiciness (9); sauciness (9); ingredient mix (9)
Shrug: tortilla (7); meat (7); rice (7); vegetables (7)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

No, we weren’t expecting this, either — not even when the taquerista draped a heap of Jack cheese upon the pile of grilling carne asada (one of the swiftest moves we’ve seen in quite some time at the taqueria counter). What emerged from Aguila de Oro’s kitchen was girthsome, a little cylindrical, and a serious slab-salvo fired by this sub-profile taqueria in the southeast corner of town. Sure, there were a number of shrug-worthy elements on notice, from the slightly sticky tortilla and aggressive rice-grain count on through the carne asada’s surprisingly stewy texture; all these minor missteps were tragedy-free, though. The reddish refried beans did the trick, booming spice instantly rattled our cage, every bite was a hot bite, the salsa verde was on the mark throughout, and hey look, diced onion everywhere. What more proof could a skeptic want? Two-mustache intangibility? Alright.

Swish: beans (9); cheese (9); sauciness (9); ingredient mix (9); temperature (9); burstage abatement (9); size (8); spiciness (8)
Shrug: meat (7); tortilla (6); rice (6)
Clang: vegetables (4)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Not even a half dozen nine-mustache element ratings could muster enough torque to tow this burrito out of the Ditch of Deficient Intangibility. Was it the slim vegetabular pickings? The bland, occasionally undercooked brown rice? The overly gummy tortilla? Whatever the source of those non-plussed looks on the faces of our panel members, it helped ensure Aguila de Oro’s third consecutive sub-eight-mustache rating. A woeful shortage of pico de gallo, coupled with some nigh-invisible guacamole, sent that vegetables rating tumbling, and the grilled chicken, while fully capable, remained unspectacular and merely workmanlike throughout. On the positive side of the ledger, this burrito ate bigger than it looked at the outset, to the tune of 18 bites. Refried beans were exceptional, as was salsa roja deployment and taste. Basics such as hot temperatures and fairly shatterproof construction were covered with a nine-mustache blanket, as was the tricky notion of a seamless ingredient mix. Usually when a slab racks up this many sky-high ratings, its fate is money in the Bank of Mustache. Not this time. Something was absent.

Our 2005 visit to Aguila de Oro coincided with their first attempt at serving carnitas; we recognized this ground-floor opportunity and ponied up for the pork. Meat verdict: undeniably flavorful, but too fatty from piece to piece. This slab had its shot at the eight-mustache big time snuffed by a creeping preponderance of light brown rice, which adversely affected ratings for its passable ingredient mix and barely-there refried beans. Vegetable content also provided a point of concern, as we vainly hoped for greenery - pepper-pelted pico de gallo and cilantro were absent, while we would have appreciated more guacamole within the darkly grilled tortilla. But, enough grousing already. Grated cheese welded itself harmoniously to each bite, and Aguila de Oro’s perennially strong sauciness can always be counted on to moisten up even the driest rice-intensive bite. Most impressively, this modestly stumpy foodpiece’s unruly spiciness, consistently hot temperature, and impenetrable burstage abatement each rang up perfect ten-mustache ratings. It’s as if these elements were angry with the rice’s shoddy encroachment stunt.

An underperforming piece of work, with an overly segregated ingredient mix and some runny guacamole. Most egregiously of all, the dude chopped it in half without an inquiry. On the tastier side, nicely marinated steak and heady spice.

Apparently most of the vegetables didn’t feel like coming along for the ride: pico de gallo, cilantro, and guacamole were notably absent. At least chopped onion hopped aboard. Aguila de Oro’s hallmark sauciness persevered. Vegetable truancy notwithstanding, a fine effort.

Smartly constructed, then foolishly cut in two. Who knows why? All hot, all saucy, all the time. Pretty mighty spicy. Bitchin chopped onion. Unremarkable, yet workmanlike steak. And let’s hear it for that melted cheese trick again.

An intangibly delicious effort. Tremendously seasoned steak crowned a peerless ingredient ensemble.