Swish: spiciness (9); temperature (9); burstage abatement (9)
Shrug: size (7); beans (7); ingredient mix (7); tortilla (6); meat (6); eggs (6); vegetables (6)
Clang: cheese (5); sauciness (5)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Some burritos possess a certain floridity; others come off drab and grimy. Given its lackluster OMR, we’ll give you one good guess which way this foiled meal leaned. La Loma’s breakfast slab couldn’t muster even one exceptional ingredient, and it was rife with unmemorability: a fully unspectacular tortilla; occasionally sorta-kinda melted mega-grates of Jack cheese; eggs that were pulverized all to hell amidst a heap of too-sweet chorizo; and a series of late bites that became increasingly grease-sodden. We appreciated the effort behind those couple isolated avocado moments, as well as the diced green bell pepper mixed in with the chorizo/egg steez. And we couldn’t grouse too long about the adequate ingredient mix even if we wanted to, which we'd rather not. But it was almost as if the full-on, raging spice was trying too hard to compensate for the litany of shortcomings on hand, and that almost never works in a burrito’s favor. All told, kind of a drag, really.

Swish: spiciness (10); burstage abatement (10); sauciness (9); temperature (9); size (8); tortilla (8); meat (8); rice (8); beans (8)
Shrug: ingredient mix (7); vegetables (7)
Clang: cheese (3)
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

Why pussyfoot around? Might as well get right to it. This slab's Achilles heel was, without fail, a set of unmelted grates of jack cheese - enough of them to warrant a sorry three-mustache rating. Other than this grave error, all slabular systems were go in the rear taqueria of this corner market in Portola, where mustaches have clearly been on the rise throughout the last several years. Spice roared loudly, top to bottom, and the grilled, unsticky tortilla handled its business with grace and aplomb. Although we missed the tomato aspect of the MIA pico de gallo, we appreciated the diced onion, the cilantro, the brief patch of sliced avocado, and even the mid-sized chunks of carrot that found its way into the credible ingredient mix. Prior misdeeds with rice (well-chronicled below) were corrected this time through, and the refried beans played the tasty-slop role formidably. Although we struggled early to draw a bead on the flavor of the great-looking, supremely basted pork, it conclusively demonstrated its grasp of deliciousness by the final bites. Intangibility was a big winner, construction was infallible, all bites were warm to hot, and the whole deal was sized to satisfy any given defensive lineman in town. Fun chewing.

(Rice.) With its monocolor interior look, unremarkable overall impact, and flatline reading on our intangibility meter, La Loma didn’t do anything to acquit itself of those ugly rice-stuffing charges lobbed its way. (More rice.) Gargantuan sizing in every way got us excited at the get-go, but by the time this slab rounded the final turn, we were merely slogging our way to the finish line. (Riiiiiiice.) Yes, it was well-sauced. Sure, there was a consistent, immutable spice lurking within. And we’ll admit it was well-built for a burrito that seemed capable of hiding a Trabant in its mid-section. (Hey look, it’s rice.) But the only non-burnt-orange elements on hand were the bits of jalapeño and cilantro, and perhaps we spotted an irrelevant dab of guacamole at one point; such sameness in appearance can’t help but spell a similar sameness in taste, particularly 20 bites in. (Well how about that – more rice.) Meanwhile, the grilled chicken was just another ingredient...it could have been lengua, for all we knew. (Rice! No way!) And did we mention the overabundance of rice?

An ordinary, completely un-notable, steak-heavy concoction. That about covers it.