Swish: beans (9); vegetables (9); burstage abatement (9); size (8); meat (8); rice (8); sauciness (8); spiciness (8); temperature (8)
Shrug: tortilla (7)
Clang: cheese (5); ingredient mix (5);
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

Almost, but not quite. Almost eight mustaches; almost better than good. Sure, the refried beans hit all the right aroma and flavor notes, and that was a real strong performance by the pico de gallo and wonderfully lumpy guacamole. (Also: onions!) Two mustaches for intangibility? Why not — this stubby slab had that certain yo no se que. And other than the saucy seepage through the steamed tortilla and a Charmin-like softness, our hrumphy panel had no burstage- or construction-related complaints. But the achiote-enhanced pork, while smartly sauced and admittedly mighty tasty, fell prey to fatty deposits at a late stage, preventing a glorious nine-mustache meat rating. Then a few cool moments occurred mid burrito, and before we knew it, we had a slew of unmelted cheese grates to deal with. We blamed the triplex of an ingredient mix, which put all the pork here, most of the rice and beans over here, and everything else in the middle, like some sort of temperature DMZ. Not OK — not even almost. Nice day to eat outside, though.

Swish: cheese (10); temperature (9); burstage abatement (9); meat (8); sauciness (8); spiciness (8)
Shrug: eggs (7); beans (7); ingredient mix (7); size (6); tortilla (6)
Clang: vegetables (3)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Our first foray into Mexico au Parc’s morning menu resulted in a trim breakfast burrito that flew a somewhat confused flag over our panel’s table. The mercilessly steamed tortilla was a real disappointment, and the dearth of vegetabular content within its limp walls was the greatest letdown of all. Guacamole was rumored to be on hand for the occasion, but if it showed up at all, it was awfully thin and became one with the salsa verde, which itself was quite enjoyable. The dominant ingredients here, aside from the tortilla we’ve already groused about, were more pleasant to deal with: maximum amounts of melted jack cheese; scrambled eggs that could have been more firm but were, overall, still pretty alright; and most notably, chunky chunks of chunky ham chunks that tasted like ham chunks ought to taste. The refried beans, though marginalized, held their own during intermittent appearances. Spice supplied surprising fervor, and hey look ma, no drips.

This sure seemed like an eight-mustache burrito, even though its final rating came up slightly south of the promised land. We’ll acknowledge that this slab’s respectable dimensions were a little misleading, considering all the negative space within the internally sauce-slathered tortilla. And we’ll allow that the ingredient mix straddled the gossamer thread dividing so-so from shrugsville. But aside from these light misdemeanors, as well as their galling unwillingness to toss in a bit of pico de gallo, all systems were go here. It’s not often that rice catches our taste buds’ eye this much, but Mexico au Parc’s brown grain made it happen; their refried pinto beans were also laudable for their sloppy, adhesive flavor. Slices of jack cheese were gloriously melted upon the steamed tortilla – not quite to El Castillito-like levels of mind-blow, but pretty rad nonetheless. As expected, this burrito didn’t sell us short on saucy goodness, what with the tasty molé verde accompanying the chicken and the extra-delicious roasted chipotle adding additional oomph. Spice came through fairly vehemently, while temperature concerns remained minimal from top to bottom. And other than the tortilla being not quite stuffed enough, construction complaints were non-existent. Two bonus mustaches for intangibility, ten imaginary mustaches for ambience.

Sure, all the bites were warm, and the length was nothing to be scoffed at. But the steak exhibited an oddly pork-ish texture, and spice was 11 dreams away. Also, the tortilla was oddly sticky, and we think there’s a solid chance this burrito’s ingredients were mixed by a brain-shocked headwound victim. But all things considered, it held its own otherwise.