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Slab SpectacularJune 2007
Dick Clark's $37 Pyramid. Pat Sajak's Russian Roulette. Wink Martindale's Treasure Trail. Go ahead and add to the list of Criminally Undercelebrated Game Shows: Burritoeater.com's Slab Spectacular.

Perhaps you've seen the press releases trumpeting our 500th San Francisco burrito, slated to occur later this year. Well, it's high time everyone got their crystal balls on the table: Guess where and when this landmark event will take place, and you could be pulling up a foiled food with Burritoeater.com's judges panel.

The prize: A burrito. With us. For real. Post-burrito Scandinavian vacation not available at this time.

How you win the prize: E-mail your answer to Burritoeater.com's contest management division by June 30, 2007. Be sure to include an exact date and taqueria when/where you anticipate us to reach our fabled milestone.

The fine print: Tie goes to the San Francisco resident. If more than one San Francisco resident offers the winning answer, we'll figure something out later. Residents of Belmont are, of course, ineligible to participate. Also ineligible: Dan Johnson.

Questions? Give arglebargle@burritoeater.com a shout. Good luck with all that.

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JUNE TAQUERIA VISITS
6/25: Although it only rang up 8.25 on the ballyhooed mustache meter, our lunch from the Los Compadres truck at Civic Center boasted the intangible taste of a champion slab.
6/22: Tonayense Taq. took things way too far with the weird green sauce. Enough!
6/19: La Fonda‘s kitchen produced its highest-rated widemouth superslab on Burritoeater record. Color us impressed.
6/15: The other Taq. La Alteña on Mission has smartly embraced the concept of counter ordering. We celebrated with one of our most hyphen-fueled reviews to date.
6/12: We returned to Andalé’s foxhole beneath Bloomingdale’s, where we enjoyed most of the bites our foiled lunch offered.
6/7: Responding to an informal poll that didn't actually happen, 98 of 100 San Franciscans said the installation of a second Chipotle location downtown would be a paramount step in the city's quest to earn its stripes as a global culinary mecca.
6/5: Well, there goes Tacos Santana’s credible rating. From 11th to 95th on our mustachioed charts, just like that.
6/3: 2006’s sorriest tale of taqueria shame could be 2007’s greatest comeback story. Taq. Vallarta has returned with a cleaned-up attitude and some full-on bitchin slabs.
Top Notch, TOP NOTCH!May 2007
On Planet Burritoeater's ricey/beany hardpan, there is no greater apogee than a nine-mustache burrito. Delicious horchata, smiley service, and a sunny table by the window are all nice, but let's not be coy about it. The slab's the thing here.

Ten foiled efforts over the years have scaled our critical Mount Olympus. Join our guest hosts, Jim McKay and Zola Budd, for a look back at the most mustachioed meals on Burritoeater record, right after these words from Bristol-Myers.

Taq. San Francisco, Super Carne Asada, 2/16/04: 9.38 mustaches
A galloping stampede of bulky greatness. Other than that, words pretty much fail.

Papalote (Mission), Super Carne Asada, 2/27/04: 9.16 mustaches
When we inquired how Papalote's incomparable carne asada is so damn tasty time and time again, the man in the know at the counter replied, "We get it from Montana every day." Here's to Montana.

La Castro Taq., Super al Pastor, 9/9/06: 9.08 mustaches
Early bites revealed a heavy reliance upon some of the most deliciously tangy pastor this town’s known in recent years, yet a heavy-duty salvo of all our favorite vegetable additives balanced the colorful attack.

Loco Taco Taq., Super Carne Asada, 7/28/06: 9.00 mustaches
The tortilla-grilling specialist back in Loco Taco’s kitchen is clearly no stooge.

Papalote (Mission), Super Marinated Tofu, 5/30/06: 9.00 mustaches
Our intangibility meter could barely contain this masterfoodpiece. Time seemed to stop for its 15-bite duration.

Taq. El Castillito (Mission), Super Pollo en Salsa Roja, 1/7/06: 9.00 mustaches
Our scorekeeper ratcheted up a trio of ten-mustache ratings for stunning cheese deployment, full-up foolproof burstage abatement, and an overall temperature that had us thinking of July days in Fort Worth we’ve thankfully never experienced for ourselves.

Taq. Express (closed in 2007), Super Asada, 8/30/05: 9.00 mustaches
We approached this snug taqueria on Geary with significant trepidation one warm afternoon, but our wariness was worn down to the point of eventual obliteration by this magnificent slab.

Taq. El Taco Loco (24th St.), Super al Pastor, 7/1/05: 9.00 mustaches
Sometimes when a burrito rates so surprisingly highly, a fluke-ish aftertaste lingers. Not here. No weaknesses.

Taq. San Francisco, Super Carnitas, 4/10/05: 9.00 mustaches
A cavalcade of perfect ratings provided the thunder, while a near-perfectly grilled tortilla, solid rice and refried beans, and backpat-worthy sauce and spice content drove the delicious point home with grace and fury. That’s right, we said it: Grace and fury.

El Burrito Express (Western Addition), Super Chile Verde Pork, 3/15/05: 9.00 mustaches
Manhandling girth. Daunting length. A perfectly grilled tortilla. Wall-to-wall sauciness that left not a dry bite in the house. A spot-on mix that brought the best out of each ingredient. All hot bites. All good times.

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MAY TAQUERIA VISITS
5/31: Down along the new T-Third rail line, La Laguna Taq. is quietly making a bid to join San Francisco's elite taquerias.
5/28: L’avenida ditched the table service and re-entered our radar with an 8.08-mustache bang.
5/26: We asked for no sour cream. Mexico Tipico Taq.’s kitchen didn’t listen. No bonus intangibility mustaches for them!
5/23: As we endured the disturbing rate of nearly one napkin used per bite, we had little choice but to throw the slurp lever at La Taq. Menudo.
5/20: Cheese tragedies aside, La Corneta Taq. in Glen Park came through again.
5/18: It took us 472 burritos, but we finally worked a Blaxploitation reference into a review. El Faro on 1st St. provided the platform.
5/16: Once again, we did not find Taq. El Buen Sabor’s sabor very buen.
5/13: We may have been eight days late for the big hoohaw at Cinco de Mayo Taq., but our burrito was still mighty tasty.
5/10: One El Tesoro wasn't enough for the Tenderloin. So, a second one opened.
5/7: Casa Sanchez’s carnitas was so tough, it could have fought Marvelous Marvin Hagler to a draw.
5/4: We’re finding that a Gordo Taq. burrito often compensates for awkward appearance with big-mustache taste, and we’re pretty OK with that trade-off.
5/2: Taq. Gaby & Liz. Hrumph.
New Comes and GoesApril 2007
(It’s routine by now. Every so often, word comes crashing down from the upstairs mucky-mucks here at Burritoeater Towers: NEW TAQUERIA UPDATE...IN THIS MONTH'S BLARGH...NOW! Our editorial crew just shrugs its shoulders, tosses another Paul Anka record on the office hi-fi, and gets down to business.)

At press time, San Francisco’s taqueria population had reached an all-time high of 170, meaning that about three-and-a-half taquerias consume each square mile of this bean-strewn, three-sided island.

10 local burrito shops have bowed since late 2006, five of which replaced other taquerias at the same location. Of those ten, none have shown our snotty judges panel the potential to join the civic elite – not after the first visit, anyway. But at least they haven’t offered to serve us any silly wraps.

The rundown of new slabhouses around town, from highest current OMR (Overall Mustache Rating) to lowest:

Taco Del Mar (Bryant) (7.92 mustaches): This just in: “Mission-style burritos” now available only one mile from actual Mission burritos.

Taq. El Sol (7.67 mustaches): Replaced longtime bastion of mediocrity Dos Amigos Taq. in December - cosmetic improvements aplenty, and all.

Taq. Guadalajara (Mission) (7.50 mustaches): The first taqueria along 24th St.’s Slab Row where patrons can relax/recline in luxuriant, possibly Corinthian “leather.”

La Parrilla Grill (Russian Hill) (7.42 mustaches): Nice room, sure, but you can’t eat the tile flooring.

La Parrilla Grill (Ingleside) (7.33 mustaches): First time we visited, their kitchen didn’t have any pork on hand. Disturbing.

Taq. El Patron (7.33 mustaches): The fact that El Patron is co-managed with a pizzeria is actually much less interesting than you may initially think.

Caramba (7.25 mustaches): Replaced one Si Señor!, alright.

Rico Mex (7.17 mustaches): Replaced the other Si Señor!, alright.

El Taconazo (7.00 mustaches): Hardworking staff. Sharp horchata. Bacon cheeseburgers.

Comal Taq. (6.00 mustaches): Pass.

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APRIL TAQUERIA VISITS
4/30: Congratulations, La Carreta Taq., on slinging forth the lousiest burrito we’ve had in awhile. Nicely done.
4/26: All the preemptive slurping in the world couldn’t rescue La Tortilla’s latest sogfest.
4/23: Slab-wide quality was hardly the victor at Victor’s.
4/20: Metronomic eight-mustache consistency never goes out of style at homespun Lower Haight slabhouse Cuco’s.
4/16: El Super Burrito is thy name, pungent sauce is thy shame.
4/12: Discouragingly, Taq. La Cumbre took no steps forward, two steps back. We expected better from San Francisco's second-oldest taqueria.
4/10: Nick’s Crispy Tacos, meet rice. Rice, meet Nick’s Crispy Tacos. No need to fear one another.
4/7: We enjoy certain things about Pancho’s burritos. The chile tortilla isn't one of those things.
4/5: With an 8.17-mustache foiled effort full of exceptionally fresh ingredients, Cocina Poblana may be trying to muscle in on Papalote’s grease-averse customer base in the Western Addition.
4/2: Catherine Zeta-Jones' cell phone-romancing image may no longer grace Chunky’s interior, but we still got more at the Tenderloin slabbery.
Magnetic/Repellant NorthMarch 2007
A few metrics by which San Franciscans judge city neighborhoods: dog parks; dry cleaners; MUNI/BART access; parking availability; and, naturally, real estate value. Add taqueria quality to the list.

Burritoeater’s community outreach division received nothing short of an outpouring of public reaction to last month’s published study, San Francisco Neighborhoods: A Burrito Inquiry. (See our February Blargh below for details.) Mission taqueria acolytes, in particular, chafed, bristled, and groused – roughly in that order – at their burgh’s equal standing with such supposed slabular lightweights as North Beach and the Marina. Our favorite e-mail, featuring the subject line “Mission vs. Marina,” skipped the niceties, left plenty of space between the lines, and cut right to the four-word chase:
“You Burritoeaters, you’re wrong.”
Before sneaking away from Burritoeater Towers for yet another afternoon of miniature golf and Negra Modelos galore, a couple of VPs tasked our staff of interns with answering the $64 question raised through this whole hullabaloo: What’s up with taquerias in the Northside districts?

Marina: The grittiest, most ramshackle neighborhood along San Francisco’s northern crest – cars on blocks, couches on front lawns, Kwik-Stops everywhere you look - boasts three burrito shops, none of which come up lame on our 10-Mustache Scale™. We won’t go overboard and say that Andalé, La Canasta, and Los Hermanos are civic flashpoints on the San Francisco slabscape...but you could do a hell of a lot worse around town, you really could. Really. You could. Neighborhood OMR: 7.84.

Fisherman’s Wharf: As long as one darkhorse (La Salsa), one fair-to-midlin (La Casona), and a pair of complete ghastlies (Comal Taq. and Fisherman’s Wharf Deli & Taq.) line the Wharf’s tourist-bread shelves, nobody in their right mind will be affixing the Slabtopia tag to this part of town anytime soon. What’s next? Nachos in a bread bowl...at Hooters? Neighborhood OMR: 6.96.

North Beach: You may be surprised how Pasta-and-Cappucino Central weighs in as the Firm Handshake / Good Dancer in San Francisco’s taqueria dating game. There’s nothing spectacular about North Beach’s quartet of burrito shops – good-enough La Parrilla Grill tops our bill up here – but at least there aren’t any Fisherman’s Wharf-style disasters that would otherwise force us to use some sort of dopey “there-goes-the-neighborhood!” colloquialism here. Neighborhood OMR: 7.52.

Russian Hill: Due completely to Pancho’s utter cluelessness and Nick’s Crispy Tacos’ tired game of Hide-the-Rice, Russian Hill was a civic laughingstock in taqueria know-it-all circles...until February 26, when Pancho’s suddenly got its act together and slung forth an 8.25-mustache sucker-punch right at our panel’s midsections. The inevitable follow-up query: If a taqueria-revolution treefall occurs in a Northside neighborhood, does anyone south of California St. hear it? Neighborhood OMR: 7.27.

Pacific Heights: The community that once turned Michael Keaton into an onscreen homicidal nutjob features one, and only one, burrito purveyor: La Salsa. Our shoulders could not shrug more on this one. Neighborhood OMR: 7.11.

The Mission’s current neighborhood-wide OMR? 7.66 mustaches. Of course, with 40 taquerias on hand, even the most anti-math stalwart will admit that the margin for error in the Mission is a bit greater.

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MARCH TAQUERIA VISITS
3/30: New management at Taq. El Jalapeño is on the right track, by our humble measure.
3/28: Rico Mex? Given the slab-long gash that damaged our burrito at this new South of Market taqueria, we’re thinking “Rico Mess” is more appropriate.
3/24: La Loma Taq.’s latest effort looked great on the make, tasted great on the eat.
3/21: It was serviceable business as usual at Casa Mexicana in Noe Valley.
3/16: The swiss timepiece of the San Francisco scene? Tiny La Canasta, up north.
3/13: We went mondo in the morning at the new Taco Del Mar on Bryant.
3/10: Our innocent panel was bludgeoned into submission by blandness at Taq. Castillo on McAllister.
3/8: Brand-new Taq. El Patron sent us into a shoulder-shrugging seizure.
3/6: No San Francisco burrito truck has ever registered a nine-mustache hit on our burrichter scale. El Norteño narrowly missed becoming the first.
3/3: Apparently, three La Parrilla Grills weren’t enough for San Francisco, so the local chain recently opened a fourth at Polk and Washington in Russian Hill. Nice room. Alright burrito. But are the five TVs really necessary?

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