“WHO CARES?!”
- Waldorf and Statler of Muppet Show fame
“What kind of prize is a ‘Great Mustache’? Seems pretty weak. Couldn’t these cheapskates lease out the Conn Smythe trophy at least?”
- John Rutsey, Toronto, Ontario
“Why ‘Scrum’? Why not ‘Slab-off?”
- Arnold Babar, San Francisco
“These Burritoeaters, they have no appreciation for Thai wraps, for romaine lettuce. They are jerks."
- Unnamed Manager, 360° Gourmet Burritos
“I, for one, find this whole affair tremendously offensive to citywide taqueria workers. Are any of them seeing one thin dime from all the lucrative corporate sponsorships sullying this silly competition? The gigantic rally banner at the Civic Center – the one featuring the ‘Great Mustache’ – it disgusts me. While Beano and his fellow fascist fatcats are rolling around naked in piles of $5000 bills atop Burritoeater.com’s Financial District highrise, it’s another sesos torta for the kitchen staff lunch down at any given Excelsior taqueria. The injustice!”
- Don Rickles, Las Vegas, Nevada
“A complete arglebargle. I am at loggerheads. It’s all to go pear-shaped, innit?”
- Mick Shrimpton, Dorking-upon-Stench, Hertfordshire, England
“These Internetz mustache foolz got hella mad skillz.”
- G’rilla, Publisher and Managing Editor, San Francisco Steez
“How could they not include my beloved High Tech Burrito in Mill Valley?! I am so distraught. The women at the club are sure to be equally crestfallen.”
- Babs McBenz, Belvedere, California
“If Castillito doesn’t win, I will burn my collection of mesh hats.”
- Young woman in a mesh hat at the Kilowatt, San Francisco
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In public health news, Taq. Vallarta’s food service permit was recently revoked. The 24th St. burrito shop’s unspeakably sorry rating with the SFDPH played a significant role in its shutdown, as did its rogue taco cart.
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OCTOBER TAQUERIA VISITS
10/31: Some slurping was required at Loco Taco Taq., where an uninterrupted, two-year run of ace slabwork was swept away in a flood of delicious, yet horrifically overbearing salsa verde.
10/27: If only Detroit Tigers pitchers fielded their position as well as El Burrito Express, time after time, produces a fine foiled food.
10/24: Taq. San Francisco slung forth its highest-rated slab on Burritoeater record in quite awhile.
10/20: Gordo Taq. got it done in 8.75-mustache style. Whether that’ll be enough to advance to the Slab Scrum semifinals, only time will tell.
10/17: It’s a toss-up as to what was hotter at Loco Taco Taq. - the fireplace or the salsa verde.
10/12: Papalote’s spectacular slabwork never gets tiresome. It just doesn’t.
10/9: A divisive ingredient mix strong-armed La Castro Taq. into relinquishing the top spot on our mustachioed chart.
10/6: No messing about in the Taq. El Castillito kitchen. Serious business. 8.83-mustache business.
10/3: Juuuuuuust a bit outside: Tacos El Tonayense hurled the first pitch of our 2006 Slab Scrum clear over the backstop. An inglorious start.
- In the Burritoeater Pipeline: Our 2006 Slab Scrum, which will find our judges panel visiting our favorite slabsheds all over town in a tournament format this autumn; the eventual arrival of Burritoeater merchandise – T-shirts, tracksuits, hoodies, bibs, throw pillows, steins, messenger bags, indie rock-style buttons/stickers, notecards...you name it, you buy it, we're not kidding; and, a couple of eye-catching taqueria maps that might hold your attention for a second or two.
- Check, Please: At the behest of a rabid Puerto Alegre fan, we bellied up to the dining counter at the popular Valencia St. sit-down restaurant, grunted as we pointed at the super burrito on their menu, and busted out our mustachioed compass-and-protractor set. Our findings were published as entry #579 on Burritophile.com’s professional-sized journal of nationwide taqueria reviews. Here’s to stewed beef.
- Down to a Power Trio: A month after we visited all four Taq. El Castillitos in a week’s time (see our August Blargh, below), the local burrito retailer has trimmed the number of its San Francisco holdings to three. The corner of 18th St. and Noe is now home to La Castro Taq., which replaces the Castillito commonly held as the cleanest, safest, and yet, weakest link in the chain’s chain. La Castro’s menu remains, for the time being at least, the same as its predecessor, while the burrito quality has actually been kicked up a notch since the switchover. We think, anyway.
- Down to a Power Duo: A similar name-change took place in South of Market, where Taq. Eduardo replaced Taq. El Balazo behind the Old Mint earlier this summer. As with the El Castillito / La Castro switch, Eduardo and his staff haven’t made any noticeable alterations to the menu; still, their kitchen somehow managed to produce a better burrito than its predecessor the first time through our mustache mill. El Balazo's other two locations in town remain unaltered.
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SEPTEMBER TAQUERIA VISITS
9/30: Taq. El Gallo Giro will not be a 2006 Slab Scrum qualifier.
9/28: Al pastor on a grilled tortilla with refried beans? It’s a new era at Gordo Taq.
9/26: Slumping Taq. San Francisco won’t have mustachioed momentum on its side heading into this fall’s tenacious Slab Scrum.
9/24: We knocked down the entirety of Ethel Mae’s Southern Café & Taq.’s colossal Cajun Breakfast burrito without regret.
9/22: Meaty, sludgy, and kind of disappointing. No, not the new Bongzilla record, but rather, our lunch at Taq. El Taco Loco on 24th St.
9/20: We tumbled into the cab and shouted “Machaca!” at the driver, who then made an immediate beeline for Taq. La Laguna in the Bayview.
9/13: Fountain Café underperformed somewhat. Well, there you have it.
9/11: Despite its having attained critical mass as a socioeconomic crucible of sorts, perhaps the Taq. Can-cún burrito isn't as overhyped as we originally believed.
9/9: Healthy skepticism prompted a quick-return visit to high-flying La Castro Taq. A phenomenal, 9.08-mustache al pastor slab crammed that skepticism right back in our faces and straight down our necks.
9/7: Next up on the Burritoeater grind: El Burrito Express on Divisadero. Survey says: another highly mustachioed whambammer.
9/5: Even the finest ingredient mix we’ve spotted in quite awhile couldn’t muster a lick of spice at El Burrito Express on Taraval.
9/2: In the morning, in the evening, ain’t we got fun at Papalote on Fulton.
So although Mayor Newsom has gone on record* as calling Burritoeater.com’s popular mustache logo “crass,” “sloppy,” and “really not very Plumpjack at all,” our July 17-23 tour of all four El Castillitos in town was still a successful adventure in slabular dissection.
Castillito’s downstairs taqueria on Church St. garnered the highest rating among the four, as a super breakfast burrito featuring a glorious chorizo/egg scramble rang up 8.54 mustaches late on a sunny Friday morning. Overall, San Francisco’s four Little Castles raked in an average of 8.24 hairy ones throughout the week, with the Golden Gate Ave. location anchoring the local chain’s solidly respectable showing. Never mind that the Mission St. shop let us down some on the tour’s final stop, or that rumors continue to swirl about the 18th St. storefront soon changing hands. With three El Castillitos among our top 14, and all four entries bobbing atop our crucial eight-mustache waterline (as of 8/1/06), we’ll continue to advocate their business as our town’s preeminent multi-located purveyor of delicious, beltbusting burritowork until further notice.
* Indicates absolute fabrication.
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You may ask yourself, Self, how is it that the number of reviews and taquerias listed on Burritoeater.com became reduced? Simple: Our database department pulled their heads out of their hinds and made some long-overdue updates.
Gone are reviews of burritos from several taquerias that changed hands - Bur-Eat-Os on Sansome (now Alex Gourmet Burrito), Taq. El Charro (now Taq. Castillo), Elsy's (now San Vicente), Taq. La Fortuna (now Taq. El Jalapeño), La Pachanguera (now Tacos El Tonayense), and Taq. La Trampa (now Taq. Castillo) - as well as listings for three local slab shops gone belly-up (7.50-mustache Taco Rico, 7.00-mustache Taq. El Pelon, and 6.00-mustache Taq. El Nuevo Farolito), none of which will be missed by our panel of heartless rubes.
As a result of these additions-by-subtraction, our data set is now leaner, cleaner, and all the more cutting-edge and current. Look for more exciting enhancements and updates to Burritoeater.com later this month.
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AUGUST TAQUERIA VISITS
8/31: Despite its intolerably dull name, La Castro Taq.’s cannonball leap into the deep end of our pool produced quite a splash.
8/27: A veggie-deficient effort from our favored Tacos El Tonayense truck, at Harrison and 22nd, still managed to ring up a handsome rating. Ten-mustache sauciness played a considerable role.
8/25: At least Taq. White Orchid’s name has a pleasant ring to it.
8/22: Taq. El Balazo’s latest burrito may have stubbed its toes on the hardpan of dissatisfactory temperature, but it survived to ultimately plant itself in fertile eight-mustache soil. As usual.
8/19: Who doesn’t enjoy a quality burrito on a sunny San Francisco Saturday afternoon? Not us. Not you. Certainly not the Tacos El Tonayense slabwagon on Harrison near 19th St.
8/17: Deftly recovering from some worrisome early moments, Taq. Eduardo’s carnitas-turned-chile verde pork debut laid down the mustachioed law behind the Old Mint.
8/15: El Tesoro's foiled torpedo narrowly missed our eight-mustache target.
8/11: It took 368 burritos for our panel to take the chile relleno plunge. Glen Park’s La Corneta Taq. ensured it won’t be our last.
8/9: Taq. El Taco Loco’s powerful, pork-packed statement was more than the sum of its parts. Shame about the lack of beans, though.
8/7: The kitchen-tricksters at Taq. La Iguana Azul come-hithered us with gorgeous burritowork, but their foiled product’s remarkably dull flavor just left us in the lurch.
8/5: The Tacos Santana slabwagon slung forth a fiery winner.
8/2: Any number of people in the English Midlands may have enjoyed a spicier meal than we had at Taq. Express.
We're well aware how difficult it is to be deemed the patron saint of anything in this cynical era of greedy selfishness, ham-handed avarice, and burrito-shaped wraps. As such, Burritoeater readers both old and new can expect us to wear our salsa-splattered holy robe with all the humility and grace of Regis, Hubbins, Ides, and other great saints of our time.
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When the Burritoeater brass promises something, expect results. Our corporate mucky-mucks may be in deep manure with the EPA, SEC, Pac-10, NHL, and every other regulatory agency under the American sun, but you can’t say these crooks don’t get the job done.
So, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that we followed through on our Peer Pressure in the Burritoplace forecast for June. As announced a couple of Blarghs ago, the plan was to spend the month visiting a number of San Francisco’s most popular taquerias that had yet to meet with overwhelming success on our Ten-Mustache Scale. Had we been missing something at these places? Had they improved since our last visit? Are we as clueless as that one guy seems to think? It’s us, right?
Several of these ballyhooed slabhouses came up golden this time around, while a smaller handful continued to befuddle us. Still, an overall average of 7.75 mustaches for the month suggests a very respectable showing by the popular kids on the San Francisco taqueria scene.
Three spots delivered foiled efforts that pinned the tail dead on our 8.50-mustache donkey. Just as a carnitas burrito at Taq. El Taco Loco’s Lower Mission shop dazzled our judges panel, Papalote’s new entry in the Western Addition won the same group of jerks over with a well-cheesed, intangible-rich chile verde pork foodpiece. Neither of these triumphant turns were particularly surprising, however, considering Burritoeater’s respect for each taqueria’s other location in town.
But it was Taq. Can-cún that supplied the sucker-punch of the month. By delivering a powerhouse pollo asado on June 9 at their flagship outlet on Mission near 19th St., the notorious underachiever had us making sure we hadn’t accidentally stepped into Taq. El Castillito two blocks north by mistake. Color us impressed.
Visits to both Taq. Pancho Villa locations in town turned up highly respectable scores – a mild shock, particularly at their 16th St. palace. Zona Rosa and Taq. La Cumbre, meanwhile, also hiked up and over Eight-Mustache Ridge.
Taq. El Farolito on 24th St. continued a peculiar habit of breaking out their ultramegajumbo-sized rice scooper whenever we enter their dining room, while Taq. San Jose felt compelled to concoct the greasiest meal we’d had since that one time crazy old Uncle Mooch basted the chicken with a quart of Valvoline.
Down on the hind end, the month’s also-rans – cred-wielding El Metate, Zagat darling La Taqueria, and big-in-Omaha Chipotle – each failed to crack our seven-mustache barrier, the final stop on our rating system’s southbound path to sub-mediocrity.
Through it all, we continued to avoid Sonia’s.
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JULY TAQUERIA VISITS
7/31: Our molé chicken burrito at La Fonda was more sauced than Foster Brooks out on a three-day bender with the editors of Modern Drunkard.
7/28: After ringing up a nine-mustache slabquake on our rigorous burrichter scale, Loco Taco Taq. now sits perched atop our Hot 170 chart.
7/26: A set of substandard carnitas stink-collared Taq. La Tambora’s latest shot at mustachioed glory.
7/23: Our four-date Taq. El Castillito tour ended with a mild, but parched thud on Mission St.
7/21: Thick into the hurly-burly of our weeklong Taq. El Castillito-fest, our brunchtime visit to the Little Castle's Church St. slabhouse upped the week’s mustache ante.
7/19: More garden-variety excellence at Taq. El Castillito, this time courtesy of their Civic Center / Tenderloin edition.
7/17: We jump-started our long-awaited all-Taq. El Castillito week with a stocky, meatless slab at their 18th St. shop. Muster was passed.
7/12: After a pair of eight-plus mustache stunners last winter, Taq. La Paz backslid into the realm of the ordinary.
7/10: The Swiss timepiece of San Francisco taquerias, Taq. Fiesta Taco, slung forth its third consecutive 8.08-mustache effort.
7/6: Tacos San Buena may have relocated from South of Market to the Financial District, but their mustache rating remains stuck in shrugsville.
7/3: The short version of our special trip to Whole Foods Market’s self-service burrito bar: We shelled out nearly $14 to confirm that we’re lousy burrito-makers. The longer version appears in July’s Intestinal Apocalypse.
