Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, August 2005back to archive
IN THIS MONTH’S APOCALYPSE…
Bite. Chew. Mull. takes a quick glance at each edible zeppelin on Burritoeater record for the month of July.
Our resident San Francisco taqueria sage dodges media scrutiny with all the grace of a ‘73 Volvo in this month’s episode of Dear Beano.
Instant stalwart Obstinate User Commentary proved such a popular segment in its debut last month, it’s back - with a spin-off, no less.
Really Obstinate User Commentary probes the combustible collision between hip-hop, taqueria, and auto junkyard cultures.
One minor change to the (epilogue). Free side of guac to the first subscriber who reports it.
Pull up a food.
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BITE. CHEW. MULL.
“Mull” Before “Chew,” Except After “Bite”
We maintained a steady every-other-day regimen throughout July. The result? 16 new burrito reviews (each summarized below) and a whole new appreciation for melon usage at the taqueria.
TAQ. EL TACO LOCO (Mission), 7/1/05, Super al Pastor: 9.00 Mustaches
Only the fifth nine-mustache effort on Burritoeater record, this extraordinary blimp shook a menacing fist at every other taqueria along 24th St. No weaknesses. Every month should start with a burrito like this.
CASA MEXICANA (Noe Valley), 7/3/05, Super Spicy Chicken: 7.08 Mustaches
Noe Valley is no burrito hotbed.
TAQ. LA CUMBRE (Mission), 7/5/05, Super Chile Colorado Steak: 7.83 Mustaches
Enough positive moves here to further the notion that perhaps this old-time Mission standby is on its way back after a long, slow decline.
TAQ. CAN-CÚN (Lower Mission), 7/7/05, Super Breakfast (Chorizo): 7.54 Mustaches
When a burrito sheds more grease than a mess of sweat-soaked Reverend Horton Heat fans, trouble’s generally on the brew.
LA FAJITA (Castro), 7/9/05, Grande Chicken: 7.33 Mustaches
Though certainly no victory coronation, this was a notable comeback after the total train wreck that used to be Cactus Fresh.
LA TAQUERIA (Mission), 7/11/05, Carnitas: 5.75 Mustaches
Good grief.
LA CANASTA (Marina), 7/13/05, Grande Pollo: 7.92 Mustaches
Remarkably consistent work from this cozy take-away joint.
TAQ. EL POTRILLO (Bayshore), 7/15/05, Breakfast (Chorizo): 7.62 Mustaches
El Potrillo’s gumball machine was tempting, but our dentist recommended the chorizo burrito instead.
EL SUPER BURRITO (Tenderloin), 7/17/05, Super BBQ Chicken: 7.58 Mustaches
Remember that kid on second trombone in the school band who could play scales and basic chords alright, but couldn’t improv his way out of a box of foil? He’s been reincarnated as a super burrito in the Tenderloin.
TANGO 20! (Western Addition), 7/19/05, Super Mission (Grilled Achiote Chicken): 5.17 Mustaches
What did we just have for dinner? What was that? It was 86 cents a bite, whatever it was.
TAQ. EL CHARRO (Tenderloin / Downtown), 7/21/05, Super al Pastor: 8.33 Mustaches
Their take-out menu boasts, "Buy One Super Burrito and the Agua Is Free." Fortunately, it’s a mighty fine burrito.
LA SALSA (Pacific Heights), 7/23/05, Breakfast (Chorizo): 7.67 Mustaches
This simple burrito hosted precious few items inside its lightly grilled tortilla, but those on hand didn’t trip up.
TAQ. EL FAROLITO (Mission), 7/25/05, Super al Pastor: 8.08 Mustaches
Solid, albeit non-legendary burritowork, and you’re a complete buffoon if you don’t try their cantaloupe agua fresca.
TAQ. REINA’S (South of Market), 7/27/05, Super Carne Asada: 7.67 Mustaches
A mumbled “mmmph” amidst a series of lazy shoulder shrugs.
CHUNKY’S (Tenderloin), 7/29/05, Super Chile Colorado Beef: 7.83 Mustaches
A Bud on the bar, baseball on the television, Buddy Holly on the juke, and a fairly well-received burrito in the belly.
CREIGHTON’S (Mira Loma), 7/31/05, Breakfast (Bacon): 6.27 Mustaches
We asked them to “make it real spicy.” They replied quizzically, “What do you mean, ‘spicy’?” The side watermelon slice was a real highlight, though.
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DEAR BEANO
The Absurdity Plods On
Mr. Cook will take questions from the audience for the next two minutes at dearbeano@burritoeater.com.
Queries regarding his recent accusation on Meet the Press that La Taqueria’s management team has “mushy carnitas for brains” will receive no response.
Please address the old bean as Your Slabness prior to introducing your question.
Dear Beano: I notice there's no mention on your site as to whether or not taquerias have BEER. This seems to be a serious omission.
Dear Apocalypse reader: We wish we had an explanation. We really do. But at this point, we’ll have to refer you to our attorney.
Dear Beano: I'm working in the Presidio these days, and need a couple of good burrito recommendations for this area. I keep getting dragged to inferior bullshit on Chestnut street and the like. Hook a brother up for old times sake.
Dear Apocalypse reader: It’s a tough scene up there, adjacent to the Marina. First off, there’s the clear danger of getting your leftover fajitas lunch-money’d by some off-duty police officer on Union. Those dudes can be ruthless. To make matters even more dicey, that recent rash of street brawls over which private university’s alumni sweatshirts and baseball caps own the Greenwich turf - Duke? Stanford? Redlands? - hasn’t set any hearts at ease. And who knows when you’ll be smacked by a wayward $400 photo frame from Z Gallerie? But at the end of the day, after all the neighborhood stereotypes have been perpetuated beyond belief and drilled ten feet into the dirt, we can really only recommend one Marina taqueria with a straight face: La Canasta. Hasn’t the Park Service opened a burrito shop out at the Crissy Field Warming Hut yet?
Dear Beano: How come burrito trucks never seem to have refried beans on hand?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Good question. Seems a bit peculiar, doesn’t it? These wagons are equipped with full-service kitchens, so you’d think they could have a more diverse array of frijole options on offer. Could limited tray space be an issue? Who really knows. We’ll launch an investigation.
Dear Beano: I'm writing from the U.K. to say that I totally relate to last month’s note from Beanless in Belmont. We are carneless in Cardiff, cheeseless in Chester, salsaless in Salisbury, tortillaless in Taunton, beanless in Bath, cilantroless in Sydenham, riceless in Rye, avocadoless in Aylesbury, and cornless in Cornwall.
Dear Apocalypse reader: We suggest drowning your sorrows in a plate of mushy peas. If symptoms persist, chase them with some hot bangers and wash it all down with two dozen or so Boddingtons. You won’t remember a thing. Cheers.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
OBSTINATE USER COMMENTARY
Bring It On
Another sweltering summer month of 65-degree days in San Francisco, another monthly onslaught of burrito haps and mishaps, as detailed by several of Burritoeater’s throatiest users.
E-mail us the ol’ what-for at ch@burritoeater.com. Be sure to make the appropriate mood-gesture (e.g. fist-shake, demonic laughter, a simple frown) as you hit “send.”
(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our discretion.)
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
“At Chunky's, the best taqueria in town if you don't need to sit down, your order is as follows:
‘Super burrito, chunky beef, refried beans, salsa chile, cilantro, onions, a couple extra jalapeños, and no guac or sour cream.’
They never put lettuce in a burrito unless asked, and they make almost all the ingredients themselves.”
(Ed. note: Burritoeater took the Chunky’s challenge. See Bite. Chew. Mull. above.)
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
“Woof. I know what you guys are saying about Tango 20. The problem is, there are very few places around USF. So despite the sign and the exclamation point, I went in. And beheld things with three names on the menu. And tofu. And yet I ordered anyway. Ooog. There was a pineapple in mine! And it wasn’t really wrapped at all - the slimy tortilla was more associated with the sweet, lousy contents. Clango 20, indeed. My Mexican friend knew better, just from the outside. Wish I'd listened.”
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
“Went to Victor's out of laziness earlier this week. I need to stop that.”
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
REALLY OBSTINATE USER COMMENTARY
Gangsta Foodie Lets Rip
Even in its infancy, Burritoeater’s civically useful subject matter has already been featured on a diverse array of other sites. A number of informal, personal Web journals, respected online food discussion hubs such as Chowhound, local taste-makers SFist and SF Gate’s Culture Blog, and MSNBC’s Clicked column have all reported on our ongoing journey through the land of foil and chintzy napkins, despite the fact that our promotional budget and savvy remain pretty much nil.
Our favorite take on the Burritoeater effort, however, comes from Beer and Rap.
(We hereby provide fair warning to any Apocalypse readers sensitive to colorful language. If you’re at all averse to the sailor’s tongue, it’s recommended you don’t click that link.)
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
(epilogue)
Please forward freely, yet responsibly.
Newsletter subscription addition/removal requests, questions, comments, and/or anecdotes always welcome and encouraged: ch@burritoeater.com.
Kindly direct news of taqueria openings, closures, name-changes, or Food Fight Fridays promotions here: tips@burritoeater.com.
The Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, Burritoeater.com, and The Mustache Logo are exclusive properties of The Exploding Head Trick Publishing Co. © 2005. They're ours and you can't have them, unless perhaps you ask politely. And even then, we’ll probably hit you with a six-figure licensing fee that will have you seeing stars.
Yours, in delicious horchata,
Burritoeater.com
Bite. Chew. Mull. takes a quick glance at each edible zeppelin on Burritoeater record for the month of July.
Our resident San Francisco taqueria sage dodges media scrutiny with all the grace of a ‘73 Volvo in this month’s episode of Dear Beano.
Instant stalwart Obstinate User Commentary proved such a popular segment in its debut last month, it’s back - with a spin-off, no less.
Really Obstinate User Commentary probes the combustible collision between hip-hop, taqueria, and auto junkyard cultures.
One minor change to the (epilogue). Free side of guac to the first subscriber who reports it.
Pull up a food.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
BITE. CHEW. MULL.
“Mull” Before “Chew,” Except After “Bite”
We maintained a steady every-other-day regimen throughout July. The result? 16 new burrito reviews (each summarized below) and a whole new appreciation for melon usage at the taqueria.
TAQ. EL TACO LOCO (Mission), 7/1/05, Super al Pastor: 9.00 Mustaches
Only the fifth nine-mustache effort on Burritoeater record, this extraordinary blimp shook a menacing fist at every other taqueria along 24th St. No weaknesses. Every month should start with a burrito like this.
CASA MEXICANA (Noe Valley), 7/3/05, Super Spicy Chicken: 7.08 Mustaches
Noe Valley is no burrito hotbed.
TAQ. LA CUMBRE (Mission), 7/5/05, Super Chile Colorado Steak: 7.83 Mustaches
Enough positive moves here to further the notion that perhaps this old-time Mission standby is on its way back after a long, slow decline.
TAQ. CAN-CÚN (Lower Mission), 7/7/05, Super Breakfast (Chorizo): 7.54 Mustaches
When a burrito sheds more grease than a mess of sweat-soaked Reverend Horton Heat fans, trouble’s generally on the brew.
LA FAJITA (Castro), 7/9/05, Grande Chicken: 7.33 Mustaches
Though certainly no victory coronation, this was a notable comeback after the total train wreck that used to be Cactus Fresh.
LA TAQUERIA (Mission), 7/11/05, Carnitas: 5.75 Mustaches
Good grief.
LA CANASTA (Marina), 7/13/05, Grande Pollo: 7.92 Mustaches
Remarkably consistent work from this cozy take-away joint.
TAQ. EL POTRILLO (Bayshore), 7/15/05, Breakfast (Chorizo): 7.62 Mustaches
El Potrillo’s gumball machine was tempting, but our dentist recommended the chorizo burrito instead.
EL SUPER BURRITO (Tenderloin), 7/17/05, Super BBQ Chicken: 7.58 Mustaches
Remember that kid on second trombone in the school band who could play scales and basic chords alright, but couldn’t improv his way out of a box of foil? He’s been reincarnated as a super burrito in the Tenderloin.
TANGO 20! (Western Addition), 7/19/05, Super Mission (Grilled Achiote Chicken): 5.17 Mustaches
What did we just have for dinner? What was that? It was 86 cents a bite, whatever it was.
TAQ. EL CHARRO (Tenderloin / Downtown), 7/21/05, Super al Pastor: 8.33 Mustaches
Their take-out menu boasts, "Buy One Super Burrito and the Agua Is Free." Fortunately, it’s a mighty fine burrito.
LA SALSA (Pacific Heights), 7/23/05, Breakfast (Chorizo): 7.67 Mustaches
This simple burrito hosted precious few items inside its lightly grilled tortilla, but those on hand didn’t trip up.
TAQ. EL FAROLITO (Mission), 7/25/05, Super al Pastor: 8.08 Mustaches
Solid, albeit non-legendary burritowork, and you’re a complete buffoon if you don’t try their cantaloupe agua fresca.
TAQ. REINA’S (South of Market), 7/27/05, Super Carne Asada: 7.67 Mustaches
A mumbled “mmmph” amidst a series of lazy shoulder shrugs.
CHUNKY’S (Tenderloin), 7/29/05, Super Chile Colorado Beef: 7.83 Mustaches
A Bud on the bar, baseball on the television, Buddy Holly on the juke, and a fairly well-received burrito in the belly.
CREIGHTON’S (Mira Loma), 7/31/05, Breakfast (Bacon): 6.27 Mustaches
We asked them to “make it real spicy.” They replied quizzically, “What do you mean, ‘spicy’?” The side watermelon slice was a real highlight, though.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
DEAR BEANO
The Absurdity Plods On
Mr. Cook will take questions from the audience for the next two minutes at dearbeano@burritoeater.com.
Queries regarding his recent accusation on Meet the Press that La Taqueria’s management team has “mushy carnitas for brains” will receive no response.
Please address the old bean as Your Slabness prior to introducing your question.
Dear Beano: I notice there's no mention on your site as to whether or not taquerias have BEER. This seems to be a serious omission.
Dear Apocalypse reader: We wish we had an explanation. We really do. But at this point, we’ll have to refer you to our attorney.
Dear Beano: I'm working in the Presidio these days, and need a couple of good burrito recommendations for this area. I keep getting dragged to inferior bullshit on Chestnut street and the like. Hook a brother up for old times sake.
Dear Apocalypse reader: It’s a tough scene up there, adjacent to the Marina. First off, there’s the clear danger of getting your leftover fajitas lunch-money’d by some off-duty police officer on Union. Those dudes can be ruthless. To make matters even more dicey, that recent rash of street brawls over which private university’s alumni sweatshirts and baseball caps own the Greenwich turf - Duke? Stanford? Redlands? - hasn’t set any hearts at ease. And who knows when you’ll be smacked by a wayward $400 photo frame from Z Gallerie? But at the end of the day, after all the neighborhood stereotypes have been perpetuated beyond belief and drilled ten feet into the dirt, we can really only recommend one Marina taqueria with a straight face: La Canasta. Hasn’t the Park Service opened a burrito shop out at the Crissy Field Warming Hut yet?
Dear Beano: How come burrito trucks never seem to have refried beans on hand?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Good question. Seems a bit peculiar, doesn’t it? These wagons are equipped with full-service kitchens, so you’d think they could have a more diverse array of frijole options on offer. Could limited tray space be an issue? Who really knows. We’ll launch an investigation.
Dear Beano: I'm writing from the U.K. to say that I totally relate to last month’s note from Beanless in Belmont. We are carneless in Cardiff, cheeseless in Chester, salsaless in Salisbury, tortillaless in Taunton, beanless in Bath, cilantroless in Sydenham, riceless in Rye, avocadoless in Aylesbury, and cornless in Cornwall.
Dear Apocalypse reader: We suggest drowning your sorrows in a plate of mushy peas. If symptoms persist, chase them with some hot bangers and wash it all down with two dozen or so Boddingtons. You won’t remember a thing. Cheers.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
OBSTINATE USER COMMENTARY
Bring It On
Another sweltering summer month of 65-degree days in San Francisco, another monthly onslaught of burrito haps and mishaps, as detailed by several of Burritoeater’s throatiest users.
E-mail us the ol’ what-for at ch@burritoeater.com. Be sure to make the appropriate mood-gesture (e.g. fist-shake, demonic laughter, a simple frown) as you hit “send.”
(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our discretion.)
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
“At Chunky's, the best taqueria in town if you don't need to sit down, your order is as follows:
‘Super burrito, chunky beef, refried beans, salsa chile, cilantro, onions, a couple extra jalapeños, and no guac or sour cream.’
They never put lettuce in a burrito unless asked, and they make almost all the ingredients themselves.”
(Ed. note: Burritoeater took the Chunky’s challenge. See Bite. Chew. Mull. above.)
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
“Woof. I know what you guys are saying about Tango 20. The problem is, there are very few places around USF. So despite the sign and the exclamation point, I went in. And beheld things with three names on the menu. And tofu. And yet I ordered anyway. Ooog. There was a pineapple in mine! And it wasn’t really wrapped at all - the slimy tortilla was more associated with the sweet, lousy contents. Clango 20, indeed. My Mexican friend knew better, just from the outside. Wish I'd listened.”
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
“Went to Victor's out of laziness earlier this week. I need to stop that.”
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
REALLY OBSTINATE USER COMMENTARY
Gangsta Foodie Lets Rip
Even in its infancy, Burritoeater’s civically useful subject matter has already been featured on a diverse array of other sites. A number of informal, personal Web journals, respected online food discussion hubs such as Chowhound, local taste-makers SFist and SF Gate’s Culture Blog, and MSNBC’s Clicked column have all reported on our ongoing journey through the land of foil and chintzy napkins, despite the fact that our promotional budget and savvy remain pretty much nil.
Our favorite take on the Burritoeater effort, however, comes from Beer and Rap.
(We hereby provide fair warning to any Apocalypse readers sensitive to colorful language. If you’re at all averse to the sailor’s tongue, it’s recommended you don’t click that link.)
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
(epilogue)
Please forward freely, yet responsibly.
Newsletter subscription addition/removal requests, questions, comments, and/or anecdotes always welcome and encouraged: ch@burritoeater.com.
Kindly direct news of taqueria openings, closures, name-changes, or Food Fight Fridays promotions here: tips@burritoeater.com.
The Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, Burritoeater.com, and The Mustache Logo are exclusive properties of The Exploding Head Trick Publishing Co. © 2005. They're ours and you can't have them, unless perhaps you ask politely. And even then, we’ll probably hit you with a six-figure licensing fee that will have you seeing stars.
Yours, in delicious horchata,
Burritoeater.com
