Swish: tortilla (10); temperature (10); burstage abatement (10); cheese (9); beans (8); vegetables (8)
Shrug: size (7); meat (7); rice (6); sauciness (6); spiciness (6); ingredient mix (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

La Salsa’s self-billed “overstuffed” effort had several of elements working in its favor – most tangibly, a pitilessly grilled tortilla that may have been the flakiest wrap San Francisco’s ever seen. A full run of hot bites and idiot-proof burstage abatement also ratcheted up maximum mustache ratings - although our initial request for a foiled slab was ignored. Elsewhere, plentiful melted cheese, surprisingly potent (and pasty) pinto beans, and a real good helping of guacamole and pico de gallo all wrote lucrative checks to our Bank of Mustachioed Mustaches. But even with all those favors in its corner, this burrito couldn’t win its title bout with greatness – overly mushy and aggressive carnitas, sauciness and spiciness that left our panel wanting, and de-flavored, tiny-grained rice (added by request, like the beans) brought the whole affair down, bite by bite. Meanwhile, the mix wasn’t much of a winner, either, with the rice not making its grand entrance until the lower half of the burrito. And where was that weird buttery taste coming from? And was the overabundance of soft pork really necessary? And was that toy dog that just pranced by our sidewalk table really wearing a foofy Ralph Lauren sweater?

When a burrito’s temperature rating suffers a dip, it’s almost invariably due to a lack of consistent heat, rather than a face-melting abundance of it. On a Pacific Heights morning that was unusually toasty in its own right, La Salsa took the path less traversed by delivered a breakfast burrito literally too hot to handle during the first few minutes of its brief life. Once the welts on our palms toned down after the initial slab grab, we had to admit that the rude face-slap of getting charged an extra 69 cents for beans was quickly nullified by generous helpings of fully melted jack and cheddar – ten mustaches, right there. This simple burrito hosted precious few items inside its lightly grilled tortilla, but those on hand didn’t trip up. The very capable chorizo/egg scramble featured chopped tomato and onion, with the diced-to-oblivion sausage contributing subtly, but steadily. The ingredient mix proved itself worthy amidst such tiny confines, while spice raged despite all the uptight white people around us. A rudimentary vegetable addition (avocado, perhaps) or some hefty sausage implants wouldn’t have hurt the cause, but this was no embarrassment - particularly in light of our preliminary expectations being lower than a bummed-out snake.

Where's the beef? Hidden between poorly behaved bites of other ingredients, that's where. The fantastically grilled tortilla initially came without a foil wrap (boo), and certain vegetables – most notably lettuce – staged an unwelcome cool-temperature coup. Ah well, at least it was a fresh and exciting dining experience.