Swish: tortilla (10); spiciness (10); temperature (10); rice (9); beans (9); meat (8); burstage abatement (8)
Shrug: cheese (7); sauciness (7); size (6); vegetables (6); ingredient mix (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

(We begin with tone of hinged enthusiasm about burrito.) A little underachieving compared to other burritos we’ve enjoyed here in recent years, this floppy and short-ish scud still brought the eight-mustache goods by closing time. We had a deliciously grilled tortilla. We had scorching-hot temperatures, slab-wide. We had all-world spiciness. We also had moist, plump-grained rice and spot-on pinto beans that, together, would have provided an even more solid foundation had the burrito’s ingredient mix been better realized. (We slyly segue into burrito’s less fortunate tendencies.) Indeed, we were force-fed scads of pico de gallo during early bites; by mid food, bites had become a bit heavy-handed on the bean front. And where was the guacamole? Isn’t guacamole included in La Salsa’s “Overstuffed Grilled” option? According to the overhead menu, it is. Alright. The chicken was good enough to be good enough, and the further down we drilled, the juicier things got; occasional slurping was necessary, boo. (We tidily wrap up burrito’s moodier moments.) A little less carelessness in the La Salsa kitchen would have done us all well this time.

Swish: tortilla (10); spiciness (10); temperature (10); meat (9); rice (9); vegetables (9); ingredient mix (9); burstage abatement (9); sauciness (8)
Shrug: size (7); beans (7); cheese (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

Kicking forth everlasting spice and the sort of juicy steak butchers like to eat on their off-days, The Salsa’s latest fully grilled effort caught our panel with its guard up following the previous year’s letdown here. It may have been a bit on the short and flat side, but its ruinously grilled tortilla distracted us so much that we barely noticed its slightly undersized dimensions. The exceptional mix looped in everything, from the rad steak and full-on ragin’ medley of vegetabular quality (diced onion and green bell pepper, subtle guac, etc. etc.), to the bloated rice grains and fine-enough pinto beans, which were well-cooked and properly moist. Sure, we had to throw down a single-mustache demerit for the perennial drips we politely fought all slab long, and the Jack/cheddar blend, while admirably melted, did taste just a bit off at times. Certain bites’ temperatures were borderline too-hot, but at ten mustaches, its rating didn’t end up too damaged. Now: Why aren’t more burritos grilled?

Swish: burstage abatement (10); size (9); meat (9); rice (9); temperature (9); tortilla (8); cheese (8); vegetables (8)
Shrug: beans (6)
Clang: sauciness (5); ingredient mix (5); spiciness (2)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

This La Salsa shop’s first on-record misstep came up limply in certain ways – most notably in spiciness, something it traditionally manned before. Several other elemental shortcomings dotted our scoresheet, from an alarming lack of salsa involvement to an old-fashioned stiff-arming of integration values that saw most of the meat wedged up top, and guacamole and rice each confined along opposite sides of the tortilla. The smoky pinto beans were enjoyable, but their paucity made them nothing more than a peripheral additive. Other items were far more successful: the plentiful guacamole, juicy carnitas, and moist, lightly seasoned rice, each ill-mixed into the burrito at large, but marvelously delicious on their own. The cheese blend, melted as it was, was too reliant upon cheddar over jack for our liking, while the twin tortillas (a hallmark of La Salsa’s El Champion variant) were each grilled, but hardly outstanding. The other defining characteristic of the El Champion, burly sizing, was only semi-evident this time – length was generous, with girth oddly lacking, although at least the whole contraption was built to not crumble.

Swish: spiciness (10); temperature (10); burstage abatement (10); tortilla (9); meat (9); beans (9); vegetables (9); rice (8); cheese (8); sauciness (8); ingredient mix (8)
Shrug: size (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

La Salsa nearly pulled off the unthinkable: a nine-mustache burrito in the Financial District. All that prevented it from hitting the Himalayan heights of the San Francisco burrito scene was its stunted sizing; all other elements landed squarely in our panel’s rarified Swish Zone. The slab-mixologist back in the kitchen imbued our foiled lunch with a strong sense of ingredient harmony – most every bite seemed to contain melted jack, lush grains of rice, and perhaps the only bits of blazing habañero in this part of town, as well as delectably grilled chicken and an ideal amount of surprisingly pasty pinto beans (added on request). The quadruple grilled veggie threat of green/red/orange bell pepper slices and long-chopped onion was the true X-factor here – we’ve always been unapologetic fans of the fajita-style burrito – and their constant presence enhanced the frustratingly low number of bites here. Elsewhere, the flaky tortilla was sharply grilled, while airtight construction and a perfect run of all-hot bites each earned ten-mustache honors. How about that?

Sure, it seemed like a fine enough burrito during its existence. But as we tallied its scorecard in the post-slab glow, it became apparent that we’d just chewed up one of the most overachieving efforts on Burritoeater record. Its only real shortcoming – an overabundance of sauce that caused some drippage and tortilla soak-through - also served as the prime mover behind this burrito’s combustible spice index. Really, it was tough to find much at fault here. We’ll allow that it should have been a bit heftier for a “grande,” and that a tighter wrap could have possibly prevented more of the liquid mess. But these were minor gaffes. The excellent pinto beans sported unusual pastiness, and an ideal amount of brown rice lined the tortilla interior gracefully. A melted jack/cheddar blend joined the rice around the inner perimeter, and our usual lettuce-less band of vegetables hit all the right notes. The toppermost steak – grilled, juicy, with a hint of smokiness - impressed us all slab long to the tune of nine mustaches. And the whole orchestra of hot bites was expertly conducted by a champion-level ingredient mix. Clearly, there are worse ways to be sucker-punched at the lunching hour.

Unlike an earlier, similar entry from La Playa Taq., La Salsa’s three-pepper burrito escaped getting pinned to the mat by its own garlic-wracked ambition. In fact, very little at all was wrong with this surprisingly excellent slab, aside from a set of under-represented pinto beans (added on request), spice that joined the fray a bit later than it should have, and an overly bunched ingredient ensemble. La Salsa’s generous carnitas tasted virtually unassailable in all their salty, fried glory; though ill-distributed, they were clearly the most prominent flavor deliverer on hand. With the exception of some m.i.a. guacamole, every bit of the veggie army nailed it, from the slices of grilled onion and red/green/poblano pepper to the mildly tangy pico de gallo and, yes, accenting (not overwhelming) garlic. The jack/cheddar combination played at a highly melted level throughout, while the small-grain rice was light and workmanlike, if segregated much the same way as the pork. Length was no issue, and though we would have appreciated a bit more girth, it didn’t raise much of a ruckus by the final gun. And a pair of tens were earned for temperature (all hot bites, all the time) and burstage abatement (flawless construction). Mighty tasty.