Swish: size (9); spiciness (9); temperature (9); burstage abatement (9); vegetables (8)
Shrug: meat (7); tortilla (6); rice (6); sauciness (6); ingredient mix (6)
Clang: beans (5); cheese (5)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Our critical airship never reached much of a cruising altitude on this afternoon, as a high pressure front of semi-melted jack cheese micro-grates moved in before Slab One’s pilot could even flip our vessel’s windshield wipers on. And this just in about La Iguana Azul’s refried beans: not real tasty. This burrito's grilled chicken was finely ground and grease-producing, but it displayed enough peppery seasoning to rise above its peculiar chop style. The overly steamed tortilla, however - a victim of its own gumminess - wasn’t quite as fortunate; same goes for the rice, which was either “enhanced” by saffron, or perhaps simply contained a whole block of butter. Good grief, we sound grouchy here, so we’ll wrap things up nicely without having to again lean on that earlier aviation motif: Hats off to hell-bringing spice, burly sizing, dunce-proof construction, hot bites galore, and an avocado-inclusive vegetable mix that did the trick.

Swish: vegetables (10); size (9); cheese (9); temperature (9); burstage abatement (9); tortilla (8)
Shrug: meat (7); rice (7); beans (6); sauciness (6); ingredient mix (6)
Clang: spiciness (4)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Not unlike the empty-headed supermodel who’s great company at the cocktail party until (s)he starts talking, this burrito looked like a true winner until we ate it. Bodacious dimensions? Check. Well-heated and smartly built? Indeed. Avocado slices, diced steak, and scads of melted cheese? You bet. Judged on appearance, La Iguana Azul’s effort had a slew of mustaches sewn up even before bite one. How could it register a mere 7.58? A lack of unique taste played a significant role. Leading the flavor-deficient charge was a flight of harmless beef that mistakenly thought it could pass muster on its own unseasoned merit. Elsewhere, the small-grain rice seemed to just take up space, while the refried beans tasted a little off. And while the whole affair wasn’t necessarily dry, it certainly could have done with a saucy (and spicy) slap on the cheek. The ingredient mix suffered from segregation, but a robust welt of melted cheese brought us some good times and toned down the beans’ shortcoming. Too bad they leaned on the “bland” lever a little too hard back in the kitchen. If burritos could assume roles in major motion pictures, this one would have been Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander.

A long, slender burrito like this is the neatest kind to eat, with nary a spill or collapse in sight. Supremely compressed – practically vacuum-packed – ingredients such as juicy, extraordinarily tasty barbecued pork and tender avocado carried the day, even as less savory aspects (semi-incognito sauce, too much rice, a segregated mix) reared up every few bites. We forgave the minor sauce soak-through near the end, since it was abundantly clear that this burrito’s maker ought to teach Cheese-Melting 101.